It’s Monday morning and it’s looking like my blogging addiction is going to have to be put on hold for a few days.  I’ve got a hellacious week ahead of me and I’m afraid I’ll need to put my focus 100% into areas that provide things such as my ability to pay bills, buy food and keep a roof over my head.  Surely you understand, right?

I know that an absence of Chuck might be hard for many of you to take, so as a consolation prize I offer you this picture.  It was taken yesterday and it’s me wearing a wig.  Pretty hot, huh?  Yeah….It’s actually a wig that goes with some dumb ass costume that my daughter has for when she dresses up with her friends as some anime character.

My friend Julie says I look like Perez Hilton.  Not sure if that’s a good thing.
Y’all try to have yourselves a good week now you hear?

You know, when you think of me it’s automatic that such words as helpful, caring and giving come to mind.  If you know my buddy Slick then you probably think the same way about him.  Well that’s why he and I have decided to give in to the constant pressure and create a blog together where you ladies can ask candid questions and get them answered by real life men.  Click on over here and check us out.  Send us an email or leave a comment and ask what you’d like.  We promise to seriously consider your questions and pour our heart into an answer.  If that doesn’t work I’m sure we’ll pull something out of our asses!

Go check us out.

Boobs, (or fun bags as I like to call ‘em), are truly one of the most incredible creations God has given us. They serve so many awesome functions. The following is just a few of the things I love most about them:

• They are fun to grab when the woman is not expecting it. Like when she’s trying to brush her teeth or vacuuming or something.
• They are fun to look up at while the owner is bent over and riding you.
• They are amazing because they come in so many sizes and shapes.
• They are perfect for spooging on.
• They have nipples which (usually) respond to the touch.

And they’re so exciting to see when you’re watching a movie and you don’t expect to see ‘em. Just a regular PG13 or R rated movie. It’s like, OMG…did you just see those titties? It’s also fun to happen along random unintentional boob showage. I’ll never forget the time I was walking through the WalMart parking lot and there was a woman bent over rummaging around in the trunk of her car. She had on a t-shirt that was cut off mid stomach and she was wearing no bra. As she was bent over anyone and everyone could see her naked braless milk sacks swaying back and forth as she deposited her groceries. They were a nice sight, and as I said before, I’ll never forget ‘em.

And everyone knows that all chicks dig other chicks boobs. Even if they aren’t wanting to get all lesbo freaky you know they’re still checking ‘em out. A good rack is always appreciated by both sexes.

The inspiration for todays post is a result of watching my wife on the treadmill last night. She’s just starting her cardio workouts so she was taking it kinda easy. I think she was doing about a 2.8 mph walk, and the whole thing was kind of spur of the moment. She hadn’t planned on jumping on the treadmill so perhaps she wasn’t dressed as appropriately as she would have liked. She was doing her walk without wearing a bra. I stood there in the doorway trying to talk about events of the day but I couldn’t take my focus off of her swaying jugs. It was amazing. They would sway back and forth one minute, then the next minute they were bouncing up and down. I was in Mammary Heaven! After a few minutes my starring must have started to perv her out because she covered her chest with one arm and quickly ended her workout. Lord how I love her breasteses!

Now I know this is a little late for the whole boob cancer month thing with the pink ribbons and stuff, but I want every woman who reads this today to celebrate your knockers. Take your tops off right now and take a good look at your rack. Next I want you to go grab your closest digital camera and take a picture then email it to me! Seriously though, I’ve vowed to contribute to breast cancer research. If ever there was a disease that needs to be stamped out, this is one of them.

Y’all have a nice Wednesday!

Happy MLK, Jr. Day y’all! I thought I’d start the week off with yet another boring post. I’ll seriously try to make something exciting happen soon so I might be able to better entertain y’all. In the meantime why don’t you check this out…

I purchased myself a new television for our bedroom a few weeks ago. I wanted to be able to go High Def and make my nightly walks on the treadmill more bearable so I splurged. Meanwhile, as you know, I’ve been afflicted with painful gout so my walks haven’t been very frequent. That hasn’t kept me from watching the new set. I sit in here most nights watching and messing around on the computer while Susan watches TiVoed Dr. Phil and Oprah out in the living room. I often (always) enjoy myself a big old dip of fresh Copenhagen while I’m chilling and over the days I decided to start collecting the empty cans. Remember in college when you’d stack up those empty beer cans in your apartment or dorm room? Yeah, well that’s kinda the idea behind my pyramid of Cope.

Here’s the tv from a distance. I should have closed the closet door first.

Here’s a close up of the cans. They fit so nicely on the tv stand. Pretty cool huh? Think I’ve got too much time on my hands? Wonder if I’ve been driving my wife crazy by leaving them there for a week? If you guessed yes to all three questions you’d be right.

Since I took this picture on Friday Susan has happily thrown them all away. It hurt a little. I’d gotten kind of used to seeing them.

Well, we here in Central Alabama got us some snow on Saturday. It wasn’t as big as they said it might be, but we got about an inch and a half (which is half an inch less than my wife is used to). It snowed hard from about 9am till 11 then it was about 95% gone by 1pm. Now I know most of you get more snow than you could ever want each winter. Here it’s not very common. It was 2000 the last time there was any accumulation. The news broadcasts were hilarious. All four networks had constant coverage starting around 5 Saturday morning. They had their reporters standing out there in the rain talking about the coming snow. Reckon it was a little overkill? All you Yankees would have got a big kick out of watching them. I’m used to it and still I was embarrassed. So, in honor of our “blizzard” I thought I’d post a picture of my precious Trooper hiking his leg and pissing in the snow. Enjoy…

Y’all might remember recently when I posted the picture of our new Chia Homer.  If you don’t just scroll down a few posts and have a look.

Well you can see that things haven’t improved since then. Homer’s sporting one ugly ass weed head. I don’t know what we did wrong. Click here to see what he’s supposed to look like. My Homer ain’t got nothing on that one!

I doubt our Chia Homer will last much longer. Susan’s getting tired of this ugly thing taking up space in our kitchen and I’ve been forgetful when it comes to watering. Yeah, he’ll probably be in the trash soon. The glistening on his upper lip looks like he’s got a runny nose or he’s recently received a facial.
Wouldn’t it be cool if the Chia people put together a more “adult” offering? Perhaps there could be a clay pot version of a cooter or nutsack and you could spread the seeds on them, water them and watch ‘em grow! You know that would be selling like hotcakes. Hell, I’d buy a couple.

I thought I’d slip y’all a picture of my new treadmill. I’ve got it set up on one wall in my bedroom facing the tv. I’ve only been able to use it two days before my gout started acting up. Speaking of gout, having it sucks enormous giraffe penis. I’ve been a sufferer since 2000 and the pain hits me about two or three times a year. They say it’s caused by alcohol and red meat and it’s also hereditary. I’m guilty of all three. Luckily I’ve got some good meds, including some to take to prevent it.

Okay….this is shaping up to be a pretty boring post.

Y’all have yourselves a great weekend. We’re supposed to be getting 3-6 inches of snow here in Central Alabama overnight on Friday. If it happens I’ll try to come up with some creative snow related pictures for y’all next week. Lord knows if it snows more than a dusting down here folks got to celebrate…and buy bread and milk.

When I have an orgasm I double over in pain.

Okay…so how’s that for TMI?

It’s like this; for about a month now I’ve been busting a gut when I bust a nut. Right at the moment of that first spurt I suddenly get the feeling that I imagine Julius Caesar got when that first knife plunged into his belly. It’s terrible pain. It literally takes my breath away and I have to spend the next few minutes pushing hard into my stomach while I watch the bright lights flash in my eye sight and hope I don’t pass out. It happened for the first time last month. I mentioned here on my blog that I thought I might have a hernia. Perhaps y’all remember. What I didn’t mention was that it happened when I was, uh…taking care of my personal needs. It’s happened a few times since. Usually when I’m climaxing in any position except flat on my back. Again this past Wednesday it did it again. I called that afternoon and made an appointment at my general practitioner. I went Friday and ended up spending five hours total in two offices. My doctor, while performing that lovely examination (turn your head and cough) that all men hate, determined that it wasn’t a hernia. He said the pain wasn’t low enough for that, but he wasn’t totally sure. So he had them set me up for a CT scan. He thought it might be diverticulitis and wanted the tests run to be sure. So then I went and spent a couple more hours waiting for the scan. All in all it made for a loooong Friday. Thanks to y’all who entertained me with texts and emails. It kept me busy checking my phone and took my mind off the waiting room boredom. So now I wait to find out the results. I hope to talk to my doc today.

So that leaves me with a problem. I’m afraid to cum. It’s been almost 12 days (I don’t count last Wednesday since it hurt too much to enjoy) and I’m afraid I might burst. I’ve gotten close mind you. I’ve risen to the occasion and diddled around a bit, but I’ve mentally shut things down before the lava crested the volcano. I just don’t know what will happen. I think I could manage it if I could get my wife to allow me to lay flat on the bed and then take care of me with either her hands or dare I say…mouth? So far she’s been unwilling. She says she doesn’t want to cause me pain, but I’m thinking she might just not want to take the time. I’m not a woman, nor a gay man, and I can imagine there might be more involved in the mouth/hands thing than just laying there with your legs spread open.

So, should I be like a man and attempt to release the quart of baby batter I have built up? Or should I be a man and wait to find out what the doctor says? In all seriousness I know this could be a bad situation. I definitely don’t want to have something major wrong with me. Meanwhile the gout in my right big toe is acting up and the arch in my left foot is in pain. So on top of this gut pain, I’m hobbling around like a cripple. You should have seen me trying to walk around WalMart yesterday morning. It was pretty scary and a little bit funny. God I’m falling apart and I’m not even forty yet. Y’all pray for me, m’kay?

Edit: 1-16-08 First I want to thank y’all who have commented, emailed, texted and called to check on pitiful me. Y’all are all some really top notch folk! I’ve actually been feeling better. I’ve still not risked busting a nut yet, but I’m thinking I’ll probably give that a go at some point today. If any of you ladies would like to send me some boob or cooter pouch pics to aide in my endeavor I’d be most appreciative! I’m going to see a gastrointernist early next month so I should know better about what’s afflicting me then. I’ll keep ya posted!

I found this on SCANjolina’s blog, took the short quiz and was surprised by the results. I consider myself to lean politically towards more of a liberal republican slant. I would have thought Giuliani would have been my top. And on the democrat side I’ve got Hilliary higher than Obama? WTF? I somehow feel kind of dirty now like I need to wash my hands or something.

Anyway, I thought this was interesting enough to share. Hope you’re having a swell weekend!

72% John McCain
68% Mike Huckabee
67% Rudy Giuliani
67% Bill Richardson
60% Chris Dodd
59% Tom Tancredo
58% Mitt Romney
57% Hillary Clinton
57% John Edwards
55% Barack Obama
55% Fred Thompson
52% Ron Paul
51% Joe Biden
44% Mike Gravel
39% Dennis Kucinich

2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz

If you take the quiz how ’bout letting me know who your top three are…

Man, I SO want this t-shirt!  Isn’t it great?  T-Shirt Hell has some hilarious shirts.  I own a couple of them actually and I’d love to have this one.  It’s a must need for a Star Wars freak like me.  Remember when I posted this picture?  Check it out, it’ll prove I’m a SW nut and that even then I used my kid’s toys for unconventional purposes.

So….who wants to buy it for me?

Well I’m glad I’m not a farmer or like a pot grower or something like that. I can’t even grow weed “hair” on my Chia Pet.

Actually the Chia Pet belongs to my son, but I helped him smear on the seed paste and I’m the one who waters it everyday. What the frig is up with this thing. Look at it. The “hair” is growing well on the sides, but not so much on top. Susan says it’s exactly what my hair looks like in the morning. Uh, I beg to differ! My hair is definitely not green!

The EyeClops was one of my son’s Christmas gifts. This thing is pretty damn cool. You plug it into your television and stick the eye like lens on something and it broadcasts the image at 200 times its size!

Think of the fun I could have with this. Better yet, think of the fun I’ve already had. Mentally visualize this, if you will….certain body parts showing up in all their 200 times magnified glory. The only problem I’ve found so far is trying to take a decent picture of the TV screen while also trying to keep the Eye steady on top of it’s subject. Trust me folks, I’ve tried. So far I have a collection of blurry pictures of my nut sack, the days growth of hair on my cheek, the calloused skin on the bottom of my feet and Susan’s nipples. Yeah, skin looks pretty freaky that up close. Especially the inner folds of a vagina. Playing doctor has taken on a whole new meaning in my house! I just hope my kid never finds out what Daddy does with his EyeClops when he’s not around! But don’t y’all be too concerned…I always wash it off when I’m done with it!

I live in the Birmingham, Alabama area.  The city of Birmingham is recognized and remembered for much of the Civil Rights Activities of the 1960’s.  In case you don’t know we have a wonderful Civil Rights Museum downtown in the Civil Rights District on Civil Rights Boulevard.  Okay, that last part isn’t right.  It’s actually Civil Rights Avenue N.W.  Anyway, a lot of history happened here where African American men and women struggled and eventually began the path to overcoming inequality.  You may remember, or have seen pictures of, the terrible events of that era.  The city police turned out the dogs and water hoses on innocent protesters.  People were beaten and jailed in this state for trying to eat at lunch counters, or use “white bathrooms” or even sit in the front of the public buses.  There was also the church bombing where four young girls were killed.  Thank God those days are in the past.

This weekend I watched the newly released, on DVD, movie Hairspray.  You can imagine my surprise to find a fictionalized version of this era in American History.  Only in this version it would appear that music and dancing were all we needed to over come racial prejudice.  Yep, the “Negro” kids and the white kids knocked down the barriers of hate and bee bopped their way to happiness.  Well hell.  If only someone had told the people in Birmingham all of the horrors might have been adverted. At least Amanda Bynes looked freaking hot in the movie.  I guess I can finally say that publicly since she’s like 21 now!  There’s just something about her and the characters she plays.  That sweet innocent look she has.  Yeah….perhaps I should stop now.  Happy Monday!