It’s Halloween and I’m stoked. Tonight I get to partake in an annual tradition that involves swapping tricks and getting treats. You see, for the past three years my neighbor and I have stood out together on our cul-de-sac and passed out candy while the women folk took the kids T or Ting. We drink bottle of beer after beer (treats) while we swap gossip stories of our least favorite neighbor (tricks) and give out candy to all the costumed kiddies who work their way to our end of the sac. We even check out a few of the moms, but please don’t let our wives know! It’s one of my favorite nights of the year. Last year I was suffering from a bad case of pleurisy (and was still able to hang), so this years hernia ain’t got nothing on it.

Let me hear about your favorite Halloween story, no matter how racy or mundane it might be.

I hope you all have a wonderful Halloween as well!

Okay,  this picture has nothing to do with today’s post but I just had to post it. The fat chick in the hallway just cracks me up.

So, how was everyone’s weekend? I sure hope it was memorable. Mine was swell. Other than about having a heart attack watching my Tennessee Volunteers play. Why must they put me through such torture. I usually hope the college football season stretches out and takes a long time to come to an end. This year I just want it over, and with a positive ending result. Then there’s basketball!! The Vols are already pre-season ranked in the top ten, and the Lady Vols are defending national champs! I can’t wait!!

Okay, enough of that. I think I’m dealing with a hernia that’s about ready to blow. I don’t know if that’s the exact terminology, but regardless I’ve been having some major gut pain. It’s been going on for a while now. An ache in the stomach and pain when I bend over or lift something. Today I was doing something, which I won’t divulge here, and suddenly the pain just about knocked me out. I had to press firmly on the right side of my lower abdomen and try to stretch my body out while doing so. Good thing I was already half naked. I literally thought I was going to do a Marie Osmond and pass out. Man was it intense. It took about 15 minutes for the pain and discomfort to pass before I could finish what I had been doing. I’ll be calling my doctor after eight tomorrow morning and setting up an appointment for sometime later this week. I’d try to go tomorrow, but I have to be out of town all day. Oh Lord it hurts so bad. Can I get some sympathy?

Yesterday morning a bus driver at my daughter’s high school found a note on the bus floor when he was cleaning up. The note contained a threat from someone promising that they’d start shooting students at 10:30 a.m. The school was locked down for three hours while the police searched the school. My daughter said they stayed in third period during the whole time, although they didn’t know at the time what was going on. Supposedly the cops arrested the punk who made the threat, although they aren’t releasing much information. Meanwhile I was sitting in a stupid all day long Excel class twenty miles away, unaware that any of it was going on. Why does there have to be such stupidity in the world?

Well, I’m a Microsoft Excel expert now. Got the certificate to prove it! If any of you need any help you know who to call.

The weather here has been rainy and cold (highs in the mid 50’s). I’m loving it.

For some reason I’m back to once a week sex again. It had been going so good. Y’all remember when we were talking about getting knocked up? Reckon that ain’t gonna happen.

I’m disgusted with this football season. Now I’m looking forward to college basketball!

Today is my sister’s 26th birthday and tomorrow is my dad’s 57th.

My birthday is one month from today. I’ll be 20.

I think I’ll grill some steaks this weekend. Good steaks. The expensive kind you can only buy at the butcher shop. I’m gonna eat ‘em rare.

Y’all have a great weekend!

Taken this past Saturday, just moments before kick off. You can just imagine the excitement and hope that was thick in the air. We were ready for the Volunteers to take on the Crimson Tide. We’re happy, can you tell? This must have been what many of the people looked like as they boarded the Titanic prior to that fateful voyage. Minus the Jawbone Bluetooth and sunglasses.

If everyone was so happy why did my son have this forlorn look? Foreshadowing perhaps? Maybe he was able to foresee the end result of the game and the disbelief was already all over his face.

Or maybe he was just pissed because I’d just told him he’d have to wait till later to get a hot dog. Hmmmm….I’m not sure which. You decide.

Saturday October twentieth was a craptastic day. It started innocently enough. We arose from our beds around 6am and were on the road to Tuscaloosa by 6:50. With our orange Tennessee car flags fluttering in the breeze we stopped to gas up and have a McDonald’s biscuit before we got too far out of town. We caravaned down I-59 towards T-Town with many Crimson Alabama decorated cars and trucks and even a few other UT adorned ones. We arrived, parked, walked, meshed in with the crowd, saw the sites, listened to countless renditions of “Yea Alabama” and “Rocky Top” then around 9ish we decided we wanted to have a few beers and shots at a local watering hole on “The Strip”. That’s when things began to go wrong. Unfortunately I didn’t realize all the signs at the time. More on that later…

Here we see the President of the University of Alabama’s mansion. Very stately and typically Southern don’t you think?

Let me just say how we were impressed with the beauty of the UA campus. I’ve been to Tuscaloosa and driven through campus several times before, but I had never gotten out and walked around till Saturday. The place is very beautiful, rich with history and tradition. As we walked along University Avenue we passed the Quad with it’s old bell tower, Denny Chimes. We stopped and took pictures and wandered around the Quad seeing all the tailgating sites.

Unfortunately this is the only picture I took of Bryant-Denny Stadium from the outside, but I think you can see that it’s quite impressive. Very modern and while not as big as I’m used to in Knoxville, it’s still nothing to sneeze at.

Once we found our seats, way up in the upper most level, we settled down for what I assumed would be a classic battle between the Orange and Crimson.

Unfortunately this second touchdown drive from Tennessee in the first half would pretty much do it for the Vols. What a sad, sad day for Tennessee. This was truly a big time ass whipping, and with the way they played they sure deserved it.

Okay, so I mentioned at the beginning of this post that there were certain signs early in the day that led me to believe I might not be going home happy. First off, we stopped at Buffalo Phil’s Pub and Cafe on The Strip and joined other Orange and Crimson wearing folk on the patio for some libation. Soon after setting down in a wrought iron chair and shooting my first Alabama Slammer I decided to get up and visit the bathroom. When I did I heard something rip. My pants had got caught on a piece of loose iron and sliced a one inch slit in the ass of my jeans. Okay, just a small hole. People wear jeans with holes and tears in them all the time. No big deal. Well I didn’t realize at that point that every time I would bend to sit the tear would get bigger. Over time, much bigger.

To make matters worse, a little while later Susan looked at me and asked what the smudge was on my left shoulder. I brushed the smudge off with my bare hand and it was at that point I realized it was actually a juicy dollop of bird shit. Great! I hurried to go wash my hands before I caught some kind of Alabama stain of the bird flu and in the process ripped my britches another inch or so. Eventually, when we paid the check and headed towards the stadium, the tear was around five inches long. It was a very good thing I chose to wear boxers.

One of our waitress’ at Phil’s had on the lovely t-shirt pictured here. This is the actual waitress and shirt, in case you’re interested. When she first walked up to us and I read her shirt I laughed and said, “Well it is true.” On the way to the stadium we decided it would be best if we bought something to cover up the ever growing ass flap that was threatening to get me arrested for indecent exposure. We stopped off at a store along the way and this “Slut shirt” was the one my wife picked out for me. So now I’m probably the only Tennessee fan in America with a “can’t spell SLUT without UT” shirt in his closet. I wore it the rest of the day wrapped around my waist like a crimson skirt.

So, here’s what I think went wrong with the Vols on Saturday. Forget the fact that they just decided not to show up and actually try to play football, I think it’s actually me that jinxed them. First off there was the bad omens of the bird poop and the ripped pants. I think I cinched the loss when I spent $25 on the shirt and then proceeded to wear during the game, the other teams colors.

For your viewing enjoyment, here is a pic of my ruined jeans which are now sitting in the bottom of my kitchen trash can.

Yep, I’m definitely thinking wearing the boxers was a very good idea. Can you imagine the horror of my hairy crack and white ass exposed to the masses as I walked up the steep steps of the stadium? Then again, maybe I would have made it onto the highlight reels on ESPN.

Y’all have a good Monday!

Guess where we’re going tomorrow….

We lucked out and got six tickets to the 90th meeting of Alabama and The University of Tennessee. I’m so excited!! I’ve been to several of these border battles over the years and I just gotta tell ya, it’s usually a damn good game. Hell it’s one of the best rivalries in college football, if not the best. It doesn’t matter if one team is doing better than the other, when it comes time to meet up on the Third Saturday In October you can bet they’ll both be bringing their “A” game. Whooo boy! I can’t wait! I’ve got about three more tickets than we need. Anyone else wanna go with?

I got the wife to pose for a little “school spirit” photo last night…

Okay yeah, actually….that ain’t her. But it sure would be cool if it was!!
Have a great weekend and GO VOLS!!

My family and I are leaving later this afternoon for a six day get-a-way to the ancestral stomping grounds in Southwestern Virginia. I’m really looking forward to it. The weather should be nice and chilly, and perhaps we’ll get to see some fall colors in the surrounding Appalachian Mountains. We’ll be back next Wednesday and perhaps I’ll post some vacay pictures late next week!

Meanwhile I thought I might let y’all in on some of my favorite new television shows this season. Between these additions and all the old favorites we’re keeping the TiVo quite busy.

• Journeyman on NBC. I love a good time traveling tale and Kevin McKidd, the lead actor, became a fav when I first saw him on HBO’s Rome.
• Chuck, another NBC show that’s pretty good. It’s got a great title as well, don’t you think?
• Pushing Daisies on ABC is quite original and like nothing I’ve ever watched. I think I’m really going to enjoy this show.
• Kitchen Nightmares on FOX. Are y’all watching this show? Wow, it’s awesome. Gordon Ramsay is da bomb! I think I like this show better than Hells Kitchen.
• Californication on Showtime. Hank Moody is the man and it’s fun to watch him hooking up with all those random chicks, when what he really wants is his ex.
• Dexter, also on Showtime. This is actually the second season of this show but I didn’t discover it till recently. If you don’t have the ability to watch this show I strongly recommend renting the first season on DVD. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.
• Tell Me You Love Me on HBO. Wow, what a bunch of naked sexy fun! Three couples struggling with common problems, steam things up in the bedroom. I even noticed a “pop shot” in one episode. It’s worth it even if you tape it and fast forward to the sex scenes. lol

Well there you go. Check out these shows if you haven’t already. Give ‘em a try. If you know a show I should watch that I haven’t mentioned feel free to tell me about it in the comments. Yeah, my life is boring…

See y’all late next week!

“Now Ward, aren’t you being a little too hard on the Beaver?”

This month is the fiftieth year since Leave it to Beaver premiered on CBS in 1957, and TV Land has been running a marathon of all the shows for the past few days. We TiVo-ed them all and have been watching, and remembering, since Sunday. Susan and I even had a little “Ward and June” roll play in the bedroom last night, but I won’t go into that now.

I used to watch LITB religiously when I was a kid growing up. It was on every weekday afternoon, and I’ve seen all 234 episodes many times. This is kinda embarrassing, but I was so knowledgeable about the show I could/can actually draw blueprint diagrams of the fictional houses the family lived in on the series. I used to fantasize about living in Mayfield, hanging out with Wally and his pals, playing football at Metzger’s Field, fingering, uh….sharing a Coke with Mary Ellen Rogers, showering with Wally in the Mayfield H.S. locker room…okay, maybe that’s enough of my LITB fantasies! lol Yeah, I’m a true fan. Wish I had the seasons 1&2 DVD’s.

So, what’s your favorite episode? I have many, but one of the best ones is where Beaver gets trapped in the soup bowl up on the billboard! They just don’t make television like they used to.

It’s been a crazy work week, but this weekend has been one of the best. We had a yard sale Saturday morning and we pulled in about $200 selling a bunch of junk…..oh, and Tennessee beat Georgia. Yeah it was a good one. How about that LSU victory over Florida? What a game! There just ain’t nothing like SEC football!

Since I don’t have much to write about I thought I’d share with you all some actual searches people have used lately to find my blog. I’ve changed nothing in the way they wrote out their search words. I left the spelling the way it was and I’ve included the city/state/and or country. I just have to say there are a few that are a little on the disturbing side. If you recognize your search words, feel free to claim them! Enjoy…

Holding in pee with a massive erection – Reston, Va

Chuck Close naked – London, England

Mom and Sis fight over my cock – Minnesota, Wabasso

Mother –in-law walks in as seen my erect cock – Queensland, Austrailia

A Black Dude and this Asian Chick – NY, NY

I hate my house – Atl

Topless Deck – Lancaster, SC

Sister cock OR penis OR thingy OR manhood – Framington, Massachusetts

Huntsville Alabama Blowjobs – Reston, Va.

Tacobell blowjob – Deerborn, Mi

Hairy pussy small tit – Las Vegas, Nevada

Cock bigger than average – Birmingham, Alabama

That big cock, fuck it, suck me – Rapid City, S.D.

Pictures of girls having bikini areas waxed – Buffalo, NY

Lexapro prolonged orgasm – Metaire, Louisiana

I am really getting cross with you can hamsters die in the summer – London, United Kingdom

Blowjob driving car – Manchester, UK

Total Busted; Are My Boobs Crooked – Dayton, Ohio

Dick hanging out of the boxers pic – Provo, Utah

Sissy Spacek Sucking Cock Vidoes – Madison, Wi

I was finger fucked in a theater with my family not knowing – Calgary, Alberta, Canada

Husbands baby batter – NY, NY

Women who have their vaginas shaved by a barber – Sacramento, California

Asian midgets with runny noses – Miami, Florida

Granny gave me my first blow job – New Hampshire

Activia and flatulence – Reston, Virginia

Nascar, fan, slut, pictures, wives – Chicago, Illinois

Bitch discharges large lump through vagina – London, England

I found dry cum on my son’s boxer shorts – Al Kuwayt, Kuwait

Ejaculate in my aunt – Athens, Greece

Weird sexual sayings – Washington, D.C.

Blog locker erections – Mt. Laurel, New Jersey

His tongue is stuck in my fifty year old tight pussy – Washington, D.C.

White cock taste better then black? – Ft. Smith, Arkansas

Sucking on your piss soaked cooter pouch and you’re hot – Longview, Texas

Sitting on cucumber, driving up ass – Memphis, Tennessee

Masterbate at church in the parkinglot – Douglasville, Georgia

Snagley real name – Indianapolis, Indiana

Cock as big as a smoked sausage – Berlin, Germany

Her juicy pussy made me a slick son of a bitch – Kingston Upon Hull, United Kingdom

There’s a lot brewing with work this week. I’ve got some major deadlines and a few potentially bonus changing meetings scheduled. Stuff from me is gonna be kinda scarce, maybe even into next week. I’ll try to get around to some blogs, but I can’t even promise that. Please know I will be missing you all, well most of you, from deep down within the hairless heavy sack that is my scrotum.

Later!