So, the other day I went to Party City to get some decorations for my food show booth. I found myself thoroughly entertained whilst browsing the Halloween decor, and couldn’t pass up making a few purchases. I chose a three times larger than life fake rat and a decapitated vampire head. When I got home I couldn’t do like normal folks and set my purchases out around the house. Oh no…I had to take things a step further.

I took the big, hairy, lifelike rat and put him inside the dryer. He was left there, perched and ready to spring forth and scare whomever was lucky enough to open the door first. The vampire head….well that was the most satisfying placement. I hung he, or she, from the rod in my seven year old son’s closet. I was sure to leave the lights off and close the closet door when I was done. Once the kids were home from the bus stop and homework, snacks, etc were handled, I sent my son upstairs with some clean shirts that needed hanging up in his closet. I quietly let my daughter in on the trick and she and I gathered in the foyer at the bottom of the stairs waiting to hear his screech. Nothing happened. He came back down the stairs wondering why we were gathered around staring at him. He hadn’t turned the closet light on, and since he couldn’t reach the upper rod, he just hung the shirts at the lower level, shut the door and walked out.

A little while later I came up with another idea. I sent him back up to his room, telling him he needed to turn the closet light on and clean out some of the toys he had piled up in the closet floor. I think I even said something stern like, “You’re not going out to play till you get that mess cleaned up!” Yeah, there wasn’t any mess….just a scary decapitated freak show waiting on him. A minute later….came the scream. We rushed upstairs laughing and calling his name. Well, he wasn’t too happy about the joke. At least not for the first thirty seconds or so. He got over it though when we suggested we hang it somewhere to scare Susan!

Here is an actual picture of the head hanging in his closet.

Ain’t I the greatest Dad ever? We joke around like that in my family. Yeah, I’m sure I’ll hate it once the therapy bills start rolling in, but till then we’ll laugh our asses off! Those two or three of you who were reading my blog back near the beginning may remember when I did something similar to my daughter. I wrote all about it here.

Good times….

Hey y’all. I’m busy kickin’ it at the Food Show, but I wanted to drop a quick line and direct y’all to an important scientific survey. You remember that girl Julie who used to blog don’t you? Yeah, my friend Just Julie aka Queen of Pink. Well she’s back and she needs some input on an important subject of the personal nature. Click here and go read and respond. Thanks!  I did it last night and I really put the truth out there with my comment.

I’ll be back in a day or two. Think of me today while I’m standing on my feet for ten hours straight and stinking like every fried food imaginable.

My wife has a birthday on Wednesday. She’ll be 37. I’ve been trying to decide what I should get her as a gift. It’s not an easy decision. I mean, what do you get for the woman who has everything? And by everything I mean, me. She’s got her hands full with me, literally and figuratively (or should I say physically). But I recognize that having the perfect husband isn’t always everything. Sometimes you want a little something extra. That’s why I visited my local “adult store” and took a few pictures of some potential gifts. I thought I’d let y’all help me decide.

Now this is a gift everyone woman should own. Knee pads! They could be used to provide comfort whilst giving some sloppy head to the king of the castle. Once that’s over she could use them to make floor scrubbing easier. Two gifts in one!

No woman should be without come good quality stripper shoes. I found these to be especially attractive. They’re functional, plus they can be used as a kind of mirror when she’s got her legs propped up against my shoulders. I could look over, check my teeth, while I’m tappin’ dat azz, yo. The price tag makes them even look better…..$19.95!

Now this is just too hard to pass up. Hello? What’s better than to dispense the soap she uses to wash her hands from a penis shaped pump? Yeah, I know what you’re thinking…I’m thinking it too. I’d need to get two of them so they’d be a matching set in the master bath.

Finally, I couldn’t help but check out the dildo aisle. Y’all know I’m out of town a lot and I suppose having a fake one is okay when the real McCoy isn’t around. Maybe I should hook her up with a lifelike play mate. Y’all see any that catches your eye? I’m thinking the “Great American” brand would be best. I believe it’s important to be patriotic while masturbating.

I appreciate y’all taking the time to check out my potential gift options. I really did take the pictures a while back with my old phone. Please…don’t hesitate to let me know which I should choose. Also, if you have a better suggestion let me hear it!

Alrighty…I’m off to the wonderful world of Food Shows again this week. I hope you all have a great one. I’ll check back in a day or two.

I’ve been in several airport men’s rooms over the past week and each time I’d settle in to drop a load my mind would drift to the recent controversy over Congressman Craig’s alleged improprieties. I’d sit there, in a stall in a row of maybe ten other stalls. They’d usually all be full of other men, grunting, straining, farting and occassionally talking on their cell phones. And it made me think…what, if anything, about being there amongst all that would make anyone horny?

I can stretch my imagination (very far) and understand a man having the desire to slob on another guys pecker. If you’re of the gay persuasion I suppose that’s the thing to do. But in a public restroom? What is there about the sounds of turds dropping, the flushing of toilets and the smell of shit that makes someone think to themselves, “Damn I sure am wanting to suck the cock of that dude in the stall next to me.”

And speaking of the smell. Have any of you been in one of those big airport shitters lately? It’s one of the worse odors known to man. You’ve got countless men going in and crapping every hour. At the international airports you might even have foreign guys squeezing one out. I would imagine some of the shit of folks from those third world countries can really knock you on your ass. Maybe I’m just a backwards southern hillbilly, but I can pretty damn guarantee you if I ever decide I want to hook up with some strange guy it’s sure as hell ain’t going to be in no bathroom. Now, the sauna at the gym….that’s another story! lol Yeah, whatever…

So, in honor of Mr. Craig, the sexually confused Republican Congressman from Idaho, I took this pic. Here I am…getting my stink on in an airport bathroom! Y’all control yourselves now. I’m sure it’s turning you on!

Edit: September 16, 2007 @ 10:00pm -  After the terrible, humiliating and painful ass spanking loss yesterday in Gainesville, and after all you who said it’s alright to be a fan of a college you didn’t attend (on my last post), I’m taking applications now to “jump on the bandwagon” of another school’s football team.  I’m thinking I can belt out “ROLL TIDE” as well as any Bammer can.  What do you think?  After all, I’ve lived more years in Alabama (12 combined) than I’ve lived anywhere else.

Y’all have yourselves a great weekend! I’m heading to Texas in a couple days and will be back home sometime on Wednesday. This is one of the two biggest weekends every football season that I dread the most. Not because I’m flying half way across the country, but because my team is playing the defending national champions. It usually happens every third Saturday in September. I’m not sure how it’ll turn out, but I have been having dreams nearly every night this week about the outcome. Unfortunately those dreams haven’t included either of these two lovely ladies pictured here. Regardless I plan on having a good weekend! I hope y’all do as well.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot….today is my son’s seventh birthday! I can’t believe how fast he’s growing up!

Did you hear about the Texas football fan who was nearly castrated by an Oklahoma fan? Well if you didn’t you can click here and read all about it. The essence of the story is that a Texas fan wearing a Univ of Texas shirt walks into a bar (wait, this sounds like a joke) in Oklahoma City and gets attacked by some old crotchety Sooner fan. My favorite part of the story is this:

“He could see both of his testicles hanging on the outside of his body,” said Thomas’ attorney, Carl Hughes. “He was wearing a pair of white shorts, which made it that much worse.” from Fox News dot com.

Pretty graphic, huh? Yeah reading that makes me feel a little sick to my stomach. I wonder if he is a good manscaper and shaved them? Wait…that has nothing to do with the story. Anyway, it was something written towards the end of the article that got me thinking. Specifically this:

“Like Beckett (the O.U. Fan) and Thomas (the Tx fan), many fans of the two college squads never attended either university, but have come to identify so closely with these teams that they attach banners to their cars, wear team colors on game day and even have programmed their car horns to play school fight songs.”

This is the question I put to you today. Is it right to be a die hard fan of a college sports team if you didn’t actually attend and/or graduate from said institution? I hear this all the time from my wife. She is a graduate of The University of Tennessee. I attended and graduated from The University of Montevallo here in Alabama. I was accepted to the UT grad school in ‘94 but decided to take a promotion, offered by my job at the time, and not finish out the first semester. Therefore I have no fully completed connection to those hallowed halls in Knoxville, Tennessee. She’ll remind me sometimes when I say things like, How do you think we’ll do against Florida this week? She’ll often respond with something like, “What do you mean WE? Did you graduate from Tennessee? No, you didn’t. How’s the Montevallo football team doing this season?” Of course Montevallo doesn’t have a football team. So therefore it’s like a double slap in the face.

So, what do you think? Can you really be a true fan if you didn’t go to the school you support? I kinda, in a weird sorta way, agree with my wife. I think it’s absurd to hear people bitch and moan about how the University of So & So is sucking with their running game, but they really never spent a red cent as a student there. Shouldn’t the actual alumni have the ultimate right to do the bitching and moaning? What do you think?

I really feel like I have a connection to The University of Tennessee and it isn’t just because my blog has an orange back ground and I have some various UT related stuff on my sidebars. I’ve lived in Knoxville (the holy city), my family still lives there. My sister is an alum. So is my wife, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. I was actually accepted to the school and attended a couple classes. I always attend one or two games a season. And, of course, I look hot in orange. So I should have the right to cheer just as loud as everyone else, right? But maybe I just shouldn’t bitch and moan when they lose.

Give me your thoughts college football fans! I can think of a few of you who are fanatic fans of your alma mater. I can also think of a few of you who love the team, but didn’t actually go there. I won’t name names or insert links. Y’all know who you are! I’m sure there are many more of you who fit both scenarios.

Susan found this somewhere and I thought I’d share.  Here we have the head coaches of the twelve teams in the South Eastern Conference in South Park form.  I thought it was pretty funny.

Man I tell you.  There ain’t no college football conference like the SEC.  Just look at the number of really good teams versus crappy ones.  You don’t see that anywhere else.  There’s no denying that the SEC is the toughest conference in college sports.  It’s just a shame we’re treated like redheaded step children by much of the media.  I tell you folks, LSU should be #1 this week.

Well I’m in food shows this week so it may be Thursday or Friday till I can get back to posting.  Have a great Monday!

I can’t believe I’ve wasted so much of my life watching hours and hours of Big Brother 8, rooting on my two favorite people (Jessica and Eric shown here), and now all I have left to watch is a do nothing floater (Jemeka) and big oaf (Zack) a abusive disgustoid (Dick) and a whinny ass skeleton (Daniele). I don’t want any of them to win!! I really hoped Jessica would pull it out and take it to the end. Instead she’s off to the Jury House along with her showmance boyfriend Eric. Damn he’s one lucky guy. At least they’ll be together for the next twelve days without any cameras watching them. Maybe he’ll get a chance to tap that. Yeah, he’s lucky…

Oh well….y’all have a good weekend!

Edit:  Looks like I have another reason to be a High School Musical fan.  Have y’all seen the nude picture of the female lead that’s made it to the internet?  It’s been confirmed that it’s really her.  Click here if you want to see the NSFW pic of Vanessa Hudgens. Whoo Hooo!! lol

It’s been two years since I’ve made any attempts at political commentary here on my blog, (It was right after Katrina) but I just had to say something tonight…

The great senator from Tennessee, Fred Thompson, announced tonight on The Tonight Show that he’s running for president! Finally I have a reason to look forward to the election season. Up until now I really had no clear idea of who I’d want to support next year for the presidency. For me it was starting to look like ‘96 when my party had Dole and it pained me to have to vote. Now I not only have a great American running, but a Tennessean to boot!

I’m officially a Fredhead! Who are y’all giving your support to and hoping will win in ‘08?  Come on, spill it.  Let’s hear your political commentary.

Chuckie had a busy weekend. It was full of happy memories and heartbreaking let downs. Fortunately the let down wasn’t as bad as it could have been. Yeah Tennessee lost, but for the majority of the game they kept things neck and neck with a pretty damn good Cal team. Remember y’all…Cal went undefeated last season after only losing to Tennessee in the season opener. Those bastards have spent an entire year plotting revenge, while those of us in the Southeastern Conference (recognized as the toughest conference in the country by those idiots on ESPN) have fought tough battles against worthy in conference competition. My team doesn’t just get to get off just playing one or two major rivals (like some), we’ve got to face Georgia, Alabama, Florida (Lord help us), Arkansas and even those cocks in South Carolina. Ain’t nobody in the SEC, or the country for that matter, played as tough a adversary in the season opener as UT and Cal played on Saturday (except maybe Michigan!). It’ll be an interesting season, and yeah…even though my boys in orange lost the first game, I’m not depressed. The show has just begun and there will be a lot more happy Saturdays than sad ones in the next few months. Do I regret the fact that Susan and I spent over $300 in University of Tennessee merchandise Saturday before the game? Hell no! I’ll be wearing it all proudly.

So the rest of the Labor Day weekend at my parent’s house was awesome. We swam, ate, shopped and ate some more. I smoked two turkeys and a big hunk of pork. It was all very good. I also went and met Kent, who was a houseguest on Big Brother Season 2, and his lovely wife. He lives in the same area as my parents and owns a deli there. I went in hoping to just get to meet him and ended up spending twenty five minutes talking about his time on the show with Dr. Will, Hardy, Bunky, Mike Boogie and all the rest. He’s a great guy and makes a great turkey sub! I got a few pictures made with him and perhaps I’ll share ‘em sometime.

Well I sure hope you all had as good a weekend as I did. If you did something special, let me know about it.