What’s “Up Chuck”?

I just don’t know what it is about me. There’s really nothing all that special. I’m just a regular, normal feller. If you disregard the midget porn and rectal function fascinations I have, you wouldn’t think I’m any different than any other late 30’s tall dark and handsome man you’d meet in any seedy bar, in any town, anywhere.

So why is it that everywhere I go I tend to attract the attention of random women? It’s happened many times and I’ve documented it here on my blog. I won’t take the time to find the links but if you really care you can begin looking back sometime last spring. Before I get into the story let me assure all ye naysayers out there that I’m extremely and exclusively committed to my wife and our marriage. Okay, got that? Good, I just want to make sure. Am I a flirt and do I enjoy attracting attention from lovely ladies? Well duh…yeah I sure I do. But I’d never follow through. Well, follow through all the way that is. Seriously…(uncrossing fingers now, j/k)

So….as you’ve read in my last post, I’ve been out of town for the past three days. I was in Ft. Walton Beach, Florida working a food show for one of my major customers. Manning a food show booth can make for a long day. It all depends on the popularity of the show. Fortunately this show was a good one. It was hella busy till around 2 in the afternoon. After that it died off drastically. Unfortunately there were still three hours left to go. It was at this time I began to get friendly with the lady (very pretty and a little bit older) in the booth next to mine. Her company was selling casseroles. She had an especially pungent squash casserole that stunk to high heaven. Anyway, as the traffic died down we got to talking, swapping stories and complaining about our aches and pains. Standing on your feet for nine hours with literally no opportunity to sit down isn’t too fun. Seriously, I didn’t even sit down on a toilet till I got back to my hotel. Our backs, legs and feet were hurting like heck.

I’d got a great deal on a suite in a hotel a few miles down the road. The selling point was that there was a hot tub big enough for three people in the bedroom adjacent to the king sized bed. I told her about this and mentioned that I was looking forward to sitting my sore ass in it for a soothing time after the show. This was when things got interesting/weird. She said, “If I was in your room I’d definitely be wanting to get in that tub!” She blushed then and added, “Not that I’m asking to come to your room.” She paused and continued, “You’re wearing a ring after all.”

We laughed about it for a while then later she invited me out to dinner, with a bunch of other people of course. I ended up accepting and met them at, what turned out to be, a great seafood place. Conveniently when I arrived, a few minutes after she and the other twelve people had been seated, the only seat available was next to her. Hmmm, I couldn’t help but wonder if she planned it that way. Well it wasn’t too long before I found out that she quite possibly had.

We all talked, drank, looked over the menu and eventually ordered a few dozen oysters on the half-shell. While we were waiting for the appetizers, one of the guys ordered a second round of Patron shots. Tequila has been known to do some weird shit to people, and this was no exception. Before I knew it my lovely casserole-selling friend was rubbing my arm, and lowering her head to my shoulder each time she’d laugh at one of my jokes. It was like we were sixteen and I was her date for the prom. Unfortunately after the two shots and, at that point, two double vodka/tonics I wasn’t really caring all that much. That was until I felt something on my inner thigh.

Remember I said earlier that my legs were aching something fierce? Yeah, I guess they were a little on the numb side. That, coupled with the alcohol, must have taken my attention away from her gradually creeping hand. It worked its way from my knee to my man basket in the time it took her to guzzle down her third glass of chardonnay. Before I knew it she was using the manicured fingernail of her pointer finger to stroke the bulge my junk was making in my slacks. That’s when I suddenly felt the urge to get up and check out the restroom facilities.

Okay, that’s enough for now. Work is calling and I’d best be getting my ass in gear. Perhaps I’ll pick this back up later. Y’all have a great Thursday!

P.S. When I returned from the bathroom I ordered the snow crab legs as an entrée. They were all kinds of good!