Or…”One in the stink, two in the pink.”

My HNT post yesterday got me to thinking about the joys of The Shocker, or more commonly known around here as The Shocka! Believe it or not I was not aware of this wonderfully artistic act till the Spring of 2003. It was then that I first met my future sister and brother-in-law. I’ve mentioned this first meeting before, but I’ll hit the highlights once again. Susan had invited me to her home in Tennessee to meet her Mother for the first time. It just so happened that her sister was there with her live in boyfriend and his two kids. They later married and are now going through a divorce, but that’s another story.

Anyway, that night Susan, me, her sister Julie and her boyfriend Rob went out to dinner. The two of them were like teenagers in the back seat of my car. Making out, clawing all over each other and I swear at one point I think I saw him sucking on one of her nipples. While this behavior is fully acceptable among consenting adults, it’s a little unsettling to witness the first time you ever meet someone. I mean hell, it’s not like we were all working on the set of some porn production. (Although that would have been all kinds of cool!) So it was at some point on the way to the restaurant when Julie asked Susan if she liked receiving the shocker. Susan nervously laughed of course, but I was a bit confused.

“Shocker?” I asked.
“Yeah man, you know, (Rob made the above pictured hand sign), two in the coot and one in the poot.”

They all busted out in laughter, although Susan’s was forced. It was obvious she was uncomfortable talking about this sort of thing in front of someone she hardly knew.

I must say I was intrigued. This was certainly something I was curious about trying. Who would have guessed that this could be considered sexy? Definitely not me. In my past experiences the whole anal region had been off limits, well except that one time at the YMCA…..but anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I was interested in trying this Shocker thing out. I’m happy to report I did get to try it a few times. Unfortunately those day are in the past. But who knows? Maybe someday soon I’ll get another chance. So ladies, what do you think? This something you’ve enjoyed or would like to enjoy?? Men, do your women folk like you doing this? Inquiring, and dirty, minds want to know…

Have a great weekend!! Go VOLS!

Once again it’s Thursday and you all know what that means. Time to get Half-Nekkid!! My submission for today is a blast from the past. From mid 2003 to be exact. Back in the days before my wife and I married she was often willing to pose for those most special kinds of pictures. There were even times when she’d allow action shots to be taken. We once even made our own movie in a hotel room in Destin, Florida. Ah, those were the days….

What we have here is one of the before mentioned action shots, only it’s been cropped to take out the juicy parts. Had the pic not been cropped you would be able to see two different types of insertions. One was my thumb, the other….well I’ll give you two guesses.

Later today I’m heading out to go out of town. I hope you all have a wonderful HNT! If you’re not sure what that means check out the button over there on the left.

In case you’re wondering she does know I’m posting this.

Sorry if that’s considered NSFW, but hey…it’s only a cartoon! Click on the pic to make it larger if you can’t read the caption or see all the artistic detail.

Okay so it’s been a while since I’ve written about my exwife, FA. If memory serves I think the last time I went in depth about her she had just got her double D implants. Yeah, that’s it…I was ranting about how she can get fake boobs, (thanks to her Mom’s checkbook), weekly manicure/pedicures, hair cuts and hair color, (done at the salon and not from a box), new clothes and anything else she wants. All the while she doesn’t do shit for her two kids except take them out to eat, take them to the movies and buy them toys and video games. Meanwhile Susan and I struggle to keep them in clothes, food, school supplies, school lunches, daycare, a roof over their heads, etc. Oh…and $4,700 braces! New readers should know she’s almost 36 years old, doesn’t work and lives totally off the money her mother sends her. By her own admission she gets $500 every two weeks for spending money. Plus her Mom pays her nearly $900 a month apartment rent. All utilities, including internet, cable, home and cell phone. She is also driving a less than a year old brand new car, completely paid for by dear old Mom. She has no financial responsibilities. Even her school is paid for by grants and student loans. So was it too much for me to ask her to help out with the braces money? We’ve paid cash for all but the $1,295 balance we have left. It won’t be due for a year at least. With her Mom coming for a visit this past weekend I asked FA if she would ask her to pony up for the remainder. She said she would, but she knew what the answer would be…NO. I suggested she say something in her pitch to the effect of how she wants to help out with the finances for her kids. She took offense to that.

Her Mom has been gone a day now, but I haven’t asked yet what the answer was. I’m sure it was no. Actually if I was a betting man I’d bet she didn’t even ask her. Because you know if her Mom was to say yes, it would take away from extra money she could be giving FA for the blond streaks in her auburn dyed hair. It disgusts me that this woman who gave birth to these children wouldn’t want to do whatever she could to help them out financially. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if the worse had happened and I did not get primary custody of the kids I would be paying out the ass for child support. I’d do it willingly because they are my children, and I would live in a shack if I had to and do without all luxuries just so my kids could be provided for. She has no concept that she has responsibilities to anyone other than herself.

I know what you’re thinking. We should sue for child support. Yeah for almost two and a half years now I have not taken that course. But the divorce decree does say, “Child support by future order of the court.” My lawyer has told me that if I were to do so the judge would most likely make her go to work somewhere, even if it was working for the state picking up liter. I really want to take this step, but to be honest I can’t afford it. I can’t afford the $2000 retainer and the other thousands it would take to fight her in court. I’ve been holding onto hope for a while now that she would come around and agree to pull a little weight. Hell, it was only three months ago that she agreed to pay every other week of daycare and every other month of school lunches for my daughter. Now she says she never said that. Yeah right….like I didn’t see that coming. Maybe I should be putting a little aside for this future legal action. I say future, because I can see that it will have to happen sometime soon.

Oh well, we shall see. Sorry to hit y’all with all this today. It’s just been coming to a head and it’s really pissing me off!

In other news I worked my ass off today and will be doing so till at least 4pm on Friday. I’ve got a big presentation on Friday morning so I’ll be working hard on that for the next couple days. Y’all wish me luck, there’s a lot of new business on the line.

We’ll today is my woman’s birthday. Susan turns thirty-five today. The kids and I have planned a little party for her tonight. I’ve made homemade manicotti, at her suggestion, and I bought a small cake and some decorations. When she gets home tonight the place will be all decorated, dinner will be ready and we will sit back, eat and watch Tennessee lose to LSU. Then I will take her into the bedroom and give her pleasure like she hasn’t experienced since, well….this past Saturday night. I plan on giving her everything I’ve got at my disposal, and let me tell you…once I’m done she’ll be one happy and content Birthday Girl! She’ll probably have trouble walking tomorrow. The mail just came and she received a letter from the AARP. I thought that was pretty funny!

Our weekend was pretty laid back. My ex-wife, FA, had her Mother in town so the kids spent the weekend with her. Susan and I watched football and went out for her early birthday dinner Saturday night. I didn’t sleep well last night because we were under tornado watch, it was raining like a bitch and the wind was howling. The power kept going on and off and when it was on the satellite was usually searching for a signal, so I set up till almost 2am listening for a warning siren. Luckily nothing happened, but there were a couple damage causing tornados west of us. Before the storm I did watch two episodes of the new HBO series, Rome. Have any of you seen this show yet? It’s a collaboration with the BBC and it’s pretty damn good. It takes place in Rome during the Julius Caesar days. There is plenty of violence, nudity and sex which always makes for good viewing. The earlier episode last night actually had full frontal male nudity. I mention it here not because I enjoy that sort of thing mind you, only because it’s not everyday you see some dudes twig and berries on television. One thing that did amaze me is how the ancient Roman broads took such care to shave their armpits and trim their choochies. Even the slave chicks. Who would’ve thunk it?

Well I’ve been setting up for a food show today and have a full day at the food show tomorrow, so this will probably be all you’ll get here till Wednesday. Then Thursday I have to go out of town for a meeting Friday morning in South Alabama. So things could be a little sparse from me this week. Please try to hold back your tears!

Talk to y’all later…

Well I found this on Chunk’s blog, and since I love to punish myself so, I thought I’d give you a Friday post full of more info about me that you could care less about…

1. Legal First name? Charles

2. Were you named after anyone? I was named after my Great Grandfather who had VD and died when he fell down a flight of stairs, drunk.

3. Do you wish on stars? Not since 1991

4. When did you last cry? Two weeks ago during an episode of Laguna Beach. No seriously it’s been quite a while.

5. What is your favorite lunch meat? Roast beef

6. What is your birth date? November 26

7. Whats your most embarrassing CD? The Partridge Family Greatest Hits

8. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? Certainly

9. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Who me? No hardly ever…

10. What are your nicknames? Chuck (duh), Lucky, Chuckums, Cockmeister, Studmuffin

11. Would you bungee jump? No, not unless I can be guaranteed that the cord will hold my heftiness

12. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Nope

13. Do you think that you are strong? Only when I don’t shower for a couple days…then the odor can be ripe enough to shame a Frenchman

14. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Butter Pecan

15. Shoe Size? 12″ to 13″ depending on the shoe…I got big feets!

16. Red or pink? Definitely Pink!!

17. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? I suck at dieting and exercise lately

18. Who do you miss most? Sometimes…I miss “Single Chuck”, but only on occasion

19. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? Right now I’m typing this in bed, so that would be orange boxers and nothing else

20. What are you listening to right now? Hurricane Rita reports on the Fox News Channel

21. What did you eat for breakfast? Nothing, I held out for lunch with my wife at Ruby Tuesday

22. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? University of Tennessee Orange

23. What is the weather like right now? Well seeing as it’s now officially Autumn and I live in Alabama, it’s warm and in the high 80’s

24. Last person you talked to on the phone? My wife’s friend Susie G.

25.The first things you notice about the opposite sex? B&B (boobs and booty)…like ‘em both on the juicy side

26. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Well it wasn’t sent to me, I kind of stole it, but I do enjoy Chunk’s blog…he’s from Tennessee after all

27. Favorite Drink? Vodka mixed with Crystal Light lemonade

28. Hair Color? Dark Brown and thinning

29. Do you wear contacts? Yes, have since 1985

30. Favorite Food? Steak, rare…

31. Last Movie You Watched? Bye Bye Birdie….yeah, I know….I’m a dork

32. Favorite Day Of The Year? Any day as long as there is sex involved.

33. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? Either as long as there is some T&A

34. Summer Or Winter? Winter, I like it cold

35. Hugs OR Kisses? Hugs, as long as you grab my ass

36. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? A light fruit salad…nah, who am I kidding….Pecan Pie

37. Living Arrangements? In my home with my wife, two kids, a dog and kitten

38. What Books Are You Reading? The Last Coach, The life of Paul “Bear” Bryant

39. What’s On Your Mouse Pad? Do not use one

40.What Did You Watch Last night on TV? Fox News from 8pm till I went to bed at midnight

41. Favorite Smells? Trooper after a bath, cut grass, my wife’s perfume and my own chili farts

42. Favorite junk food? BBQ flavored potato chips

43. Rolling Stones or Beatles? If I have to pick one I’d say Beatles, but I don’t care much for either

44. What’s the farthest you’ve been from home? Tijuana, Mexico for now

Okay, that was all kinds of fun. If you’ve actually read these, without too much skimming, then I hope you’re so much more educated now about your friend Chuck. You folks have a lovely Friday and a most festive weekend!!

It’s that time again…the day where hundred’s of folks all over the blogosphere post pictures of themselves half-nekkid. It’s such an exciting time, as I’m sure you’ll all agree. Today I present to you my family’s feet, or what I like to call….The Feet of My Family. Rather original, huh? Can you tell which is mine? It’s twelve inches in case you were wondering. My hands are pretty large too….Okay, so anyway…Have a wonderful Half-Nekkid Thursday!

Well folks I don’t have much for you today. I feel like a big steaming pile of dog shit. My wife, Susan, came home last Thursday with what turned out to be strep throat and she must have passed it along to yours truly. My sinuses are throbbing as well, so things are just so craptastic around here. I do appreciate all your thoughts on my last post, but I think I’ll abandon the whole ground-chuck-meat-thing. I don’t know what I was thinking.

So why is it that once you’re married your sex life kind of shrivels up and dies? Yeah I know there are some of you who are getting it all the time, and sometimes more than you’d like….but why do I have to be going through such a drought? The first year of our marriage was the worst. There was fighting and (certain forms of) cheating going on left and right by both of us. On one hand we were questioning whether getting married after having only known each other five months was the right thing to do. On the other hand we were having some killer sex. I mean we were constantly driving the beef bus to tuna town. I was giving the monkey the banana at least five or six times a week. Now a days? Not so much. I’m lucky if I get to park the pink bus in the fur garage once or twice a week. And when I do it rarely lasts more than ten minutes. It’s not because I’m busting the nut too early, (although that can happen when you’re not getting regular exercise…if you know what I mean), it’s mostly cause she likes it that way. My wife does like sex, and she loves to cum. She just likes to get it hard and fast, get her rocks off, then get back to Greta Van Susteren. Meanwhile I’ve been huffing and puffing, cause I’m an out of shape fat ass, I got sweat pouring down my face and my balls hurt from their continual slapping of her ass. And then I’m the one who has to get my tired, sweaty ass off the bed and go get the towel to clean up my nut gravy that’s splattered all over her tits and stomach. Damn, I’m getting tired just writing this.

But, it’s not all bad. The sex may not last too long, but she has gotten more into giving oral. Earlier in our courtship and marriage she didn’t like to blow the horn too often. She claimed to have a bad gag reflex and couldn’t manage to put much of my manhood into her mouth. Lately she’s been willing to spend a decent amount of time playing the pink oboe. She’s also started doing things with her fingers while she’s sucking. Like stroking my taint. You know what a taint is don’t you? It’s also known as the chin rest. The area of skin between the anus and the genitals. The word is good for either men or women, if you don’t believe me Google it. Man I just love that…and I’m sure you probably do too. Then there is the total mood killer. Imagine if you will….You’re a man and you’re laying back watching your woman give you some pretty decent head. She’s sucking and stroking and after a while you look at her and say, “Hey baby, don’t forget about the boys.” So she shifts gears and gives your nut sack a couple licks then rises up and says, “Dude, your balls smell like ass!” Yeah that really turns me on so much more. Note to self, remember to wash the junk before sex….Then there was this past Saturday. You have me, Chuck, fresh out of the shower ready for some afternoon delight. I’m laying back, all comfy, ready for my woman to do that thing she does that involves her mouth, tongue and hands. She gets in place, takes a couple sucks, then pops you out of her mouth, looks around at your junk and says, “Wow you really haven’t been taking care of yourself down here lately have you?” Yeah, okay…maybe not. I am usually pretty good about trimming the grass around the tree trunk and shaving the nuts. So I missed a few weeks. Sue me…

Yeah, she’s come a long way in the oral department, so I guess I should be happy. But is it wrong to want it, all of it, a little more frequently? Don’t get me wrong, I love Susan with all my heart. She’s my true love, but dayum we got to do something about the frequency of the sex. Give me Wednesday (humpday) and two, maybe three times on the weekends. I could live with that.

Talk to y’all later….see you on Half -Nekkid Thursday.

Well I hope everyone had a nice weekend. I did other than the Tennessee loss Saturday night. God I was so mad I could hardly see straight. I hate that I get so wrapped up in that damn team. Susan got her undergrad there and obviously I didn’t, but I have been a bandwagon fan for at least eight or nine years now. I just hate to see them lose when they shouldn’t. Anyway, enough about that.

In an attempt to spruce things up around here on my blog I have decided to have a really cool banner. My friend SK has volunteered to help me with it. Well not necessarily help me. Seeing as I am a total dumbass when it comes to stuff like this, she’s pretty much going to do it all. For that I am truly appreciative.

I got an idea a couple months ago when I was having that little game where so many of you wrote my blog name onto something, took a picture and then I posted them. If you’re a new reader and know not what it is I am referring to you can click here and see them all. So any way, I got an idea because of a picture Julie sent me. It’s this picture actually…
I was thinking that it might be funny if I had a picture of a package of ground chuck somewhere on my blog. Throughout my life I have gotten a chuckle out of seeing my name stamped on hamburger packages. Then, a couple weeks ago, Kellie sent me this picture her daughter had taken. That pretty much sealed the deal.

So last week I was emailing back and forth with SK, aka Becky, and I asked her if she would help me with a banner. Seeing as she thought my blog was so boring, she readily agreed. She made this rough draft up for me. I like it pretty much, other than the font and the fact that the pic is a little blurry and crooked.
Of course that’s no slam on Julie’s photographic skills. I tried to take some pictures myself, but couldn’t get them to come out right. Plus the stores I bought the meat from had their store name or logo prominently displayed on the label. Both Becky and Julie were kind enough to take even more pictures for me, and Becky even went so far as to alter the label, adding my entire blog name. Although again, this is a rough draft. But I do like that it’s a thick roll of meat…You know, as in, want some of my tube steak? Yeah, okay…so anyway…
So I’m asking you guys…do you think this is in the least bit funny? Or do you think it’s just plain dumb? If you like the idea and think you might could take a picture of ground chuck yourself, go for it. It could be featured on my blog header. If you do want to give it a try I’d ask that you hurry. I’m hoping to get this up soon.

That’s it for today. Back to work now….y’all have a good Monday!

In case you aren’t aware, I love hooters. The restaurant and the fleshy kind. We now have three Hooters in the Birmingham area, with the newest one opening up a few months ago near where I live. It makes it so convenient now to get me some of their wings. I don’t particularly like the food there, other than the wings. Their wings can be prepared breaded or “nekkid”, for those of us who are carb conscience. My wife and I decided to stop in a couple Saturdays ago and enjoyed some tasty wings and some ice cold beer. What’s better than beer, wings and boobs? In the picture we see a young lady trying to make some kind of statement about women. It seems the hard working chicks of Hooters are trying to help the lady out by offering her some refreshment. How thoughtful is that? So what is your opinion of women who choose to work in establishments like this? I heard once that someone was thinking of opening up a similar restaurant called Roosters. There would only be men serving. I believe it was a play on words since a rooster is also called a cock. Anyway, I guess it was just a rumor. I do wonder what the uniforms would have looked like though.

Well it’s Friday! T.G.I.freakingF…I’m once again looking forward to a weekend of football. I’ll be real tense tomorrow evening watching my Vols play Florida. I seriously get so stressed that I usually don’t even sit down during the entire game. God, I hope we can beat the Gators.

Anyway, I hope you all have a swell weekend and try to get you some good lovin’ if you can. If not, just enjoy some with yourself!

By the way, I have quite a collection of Hooter’s T-shirts. Eight of them actually. Whenever I am in a different city, and there is a Hooters, I try to buy one. Y’all feel free to go to your local Hooters and buy one for me….just be sure it has the city name on it!!

It’s been two weeks since I last participated in the Half-Nekkid Thursday festivities, but I’m back now!

The other night I was laying next to my wife in bed reading, and I happened to look over and noticed she was sleeping with her arms and hands perfectly framing her boobs. I couldn’t let this photographic goldmine pass, so I got up and hurried to grab the camera. This is one of several pictures I took….enjoy!

Happy HNT everyone!