I’m back at home from a busy couple days and (as mentioned in the last post) interesting nights. There was one thing that happened during the wee hours of Tuesday morning that I have wrestled against sharing with you here. I’ve thought about it and decided to bite the bullet and spill the beans, as it were.

I was given a handicap room at the hotel I recently stayed in. Other than the fact that the beds are usually closer to the ground, I typically have no problem with staying in these rooms. It’s nice to have the extra space, especially in the bathroom. This particular bathroom had the usual handicap shower. It was completely open, with no rim or ridge separating the shower stall from the rest of the floor of the bathroom. There was a slight depression in the floor of the stall which led to a drain in the center.

I am including an actual picture of the shower in question, just so the scene can be set exactly. Note: the pic was taken Wednesday morning after I had taken my shower.

So, around three in morning Tuesday I am awoken with a terrible headache. I hardly ever get headaches, but this one was a monster. I tried to make it go away, I got up and took four ibuprofen, but the pounding wouldn’t stop. It suddenly occurred to me that maybe if I took a shower and let the hot water hit my head and shoulders the pain would subside. I got out of bed and went into the bathroom, keeping the light off so as not to cause any more pain. I started the shower and stood there, in the dark, shower curtain closed and waited for the pain to leave.

After a moment I realized that the nozzle of the shower slid up and down on a track to accommodate a handicap person if they were to have to sit on the fold out chair. I didn’t want to risk folding out the metal stool thing, so the idea came into my head that I would slide the nozzle down and then sit on the tile floor of the shower and relax under the flow of hot water. At the time I wasn’t too concerned about whether the maid had cleaned the shower floor well enough before I sat my naked ass down, I just wanted the remedy to work and relieve me of my pain. So I did it. I slid the nozzle down and sat down “Indian style” on the floor of the shower.

I sat that way for a good ten minutes. Head bent down, hands on knees, silently willing the headache to wash it’s way down the drain like I assumed the water was doing. Well you know what they say about assuming…

Once I felt a little better I pulled myself up on the bar fitted into the wall of the shower, turned off the water, grabbed a towel and stepped into the bathroom right into an inch of water! The floor was flooded. I stood there a moment, drying myself off, and trying to figure out how the water could have soaked the floor and not gone down the drain like it was supposed to. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks…I remembered that at some point during my time spent sitting in the shower I had reached down to check the “boys” to determine if they were in need of another shaving, and had noticed they were resting on something metal. It was the round shower drain. I didn’t think nothing of it at the time, but apparently my nut sack had flattened itself over the drain and worked to seal it off from its intended purpose. I laughed silently at myself then used the remaining towels to sop up all the water. Susan often makes fun of my “low hangers” and points out sometimes when we’re watching porn, “See his balls don’t hang down as low as yours”….I guess abnormally large genitalia isn’t always a blessing!!

How embarrassing….why did I share this story? This is certainly more information than you were looking for today!

Oh well, back to work. Been out of the office for two days now and there is a lot to catch up on!

Baby powder and cigarettes is how my boss describes the smell of a strip club. Tonight I experienced that aroma. I was invited by a few guys, who are also here for the same reason I am, to go out to a local strip club. I can’t remember the name, but for those of you who live in Huntsville, Alabama you will know it as one of the two across the street from the Super Target. Anyway, I talked with Susan before hand and she gave the trip her blessing but made sure to tell me I could spend no more than $40 on tips and cover charge, and a lap dance was NOT allowed. I hit the joint around 8:30pm and found a seat a good 20 feet from the stage. I was told by the waitress that they don’t take credit cards, so it looks like my $40 will be paying for beer as well. With the purchase of the first Ultra long neck I get a five changed into ones and I begin the ritual of walking up to the stage to tip the ladies. These chicks were giving it their all. The first one was wearing a string bikini along with the top to match. I sat down at the edge of the stage with my dollar, neatly folded long ways, and she promptly pulled her top down and showed me her nipples. She said, and I quote,

“Don’t tell anyone, but I don’t have the tape on so I can’t take off my top.”

Tape on? I was confused, but I smiled and slid the dollar under her garter. As time went on I continued to tip the ladies as they would dance on stage. I noticed one thing….they were all very slim girls, but they had stretch marks on their flat stomachs. I have since been told that it means they have given birth to various, probably crack addicted, off spring. Anyway, they looked good topless (although with tape on their nipples) and wearing a g-string. Tape on their nipples? What was up with that? Must be a local law or something.

As each lady would come down from stage they would make their way around the room, thanking those who had tipped them….giving a kiss to the cheek, and asking if a private dance would be liked. For each I had the same answer,

“My wife only allowed me $40 to spend, so I reckon I’ll spend it on tipping you dancers and beer.”

Another observation I had tonight was the way they tend to “dance for the dollar”. As I would take a seat next to the stage each girl would make her way over to were I was sitting and gyrate, shake her booty, and eventually spread her legs in front of me. The spreading of the legs usually included her placing a foot to each side of my shoulders and then pushing her crotch within an inch or two of my face. With all these girls, (as they would push their womanhood into my face) I would smell the lovely aroma of cheap perfume…..except for one…..

This one chick had a smoking body. She was quite the looker. She even had the knee high white boots that seems to be a prerequisite for dancing at this particular club. Oh, she also only had four stretch marks, much fewer than some of the others. But one area she didn’t have in common was her scent. I sat there anxiously awaiting the “crotch in the face” move and when it happened…BAM!!…homegirl needed to douche in the worse way! She was stinking to high heaven. I actually had to turn my head as I placed the dollar beneath her garter. I am sure she noticed the sour look on my face as I slid the bill her direction. Then, after the dance, she had the nerve to come ask me for some “private time”….uh, no thanks stinky!

The highlight of the 45 minutes I spent there was my cocktail waitress. I tell you, those strip club waitresses really work for their money. I had the pleasure of being waited on by Trudy, or Tess, or Tina…hell I can’t remember her name, but she was cool. She noticed my University of Tennessee T-shirt and ball cap and proceeded to tell me all about how she had her 4 year old daughter’s picture taken in a UT cheerleader’s uniform…purchased “down at the Wal-Marts”. She told me that her daughter’s daddy, one of three baby daddies mind you, was a BIG Tennessee fan and she wanted to make him happy, and maybe get some child support, by having the kid’s picture made in orange and white clothes. I tell you, what’s her name, was the high light of my time at the strip club.

I left my friends there and proceeded to Chilli’s to eat some wings and have a couple more beers. A rain storm hit while I was there and messed up their computers, so the bartender gave me one beer for free. That was pretty sweet!!

Well, it’s been more than three years since I have been to a strip club and I now have no desire to go to another again…at least not here in Alabama! If you are using your body to work for tips the least you can do is clean the cootch!! Can I get a Amen?

I have a busy day tomorrow, then I will be heading home in the evening. I won’t have a chance to check messages until Thursday, so don’t be offended if I don’t respond via email right away as I usually do. I promise I will, plus I have another interesting story to share….remind me to tell you all about my experience in the shower Tuesday morning….I even have a picture to go along with it….funny (embarrassing) shit, I promise. You know you all like when I set myself up for embarrassment! Oh, I am also pissed I had to miss the third episode of Rescue Me tonight!

TTYL…

Why is it that when you are trying to listen in on a conversation someone else is having you can’t really hear them unless you are looking right at them? Imagine if you will…you are sitting at the bar in a restaurant and there is a table full of drunk ass Army folks (very young men and women) and they are talking about sex, drinking and other various fun things. If I look them straight in the face I can hear what they are saying. If I look a bit to their right or left (so as not to appear that I am staring at them directly) I can’t hear hardly much of anything that they are saying. A lot of what they were saying was quite interesting (mentions of anal and oral sex). I just didn’t want to appear to be the “weird dude at the bar” who was listening in on their discussion. It was a good thing that there was a big ass T.V. over their shoulders playing some lame baseball game. At least then I could appear to have a reason to be looking in their direction. How pathetic am I?

I am working out of town in Huntsville, Alabama. I have a meeting in the morning then I have to set up for a food show that takes place on Wednesday. I will be back at home sometime on Wednesday evening. Meanwhile I am staying at a hotel that has a very nice hot tub adjacent to the pool. Right now I am feeling the urge to plant my ass out there in said hot tub and wait for someone interesting to come in and sit down next to me. When I walked by earlier, coming back from the restaurant next door, there was a couple chicks in bikinis sitting there. I wonder if they are still out there? Hey, I am only considering going for conversational purposes…

Well we made it back home. We added it up and concluded we have driven almost 40 hours over the past three weekends. It was a quick trip since we needed to get back here and batten down the hatches in preparation for the coming storm. Hurricane Dennis is chugging his way through the Gulf and as of right now he is a category three, and a stronger three than Ivan was last year. Ivan devastated the Alabama and Florida Gulf coast. I was down there a few months ago and they are still rebuilding from the damage from that storm. Needless to say the residents of Gulf Shores, Mobile, Ft. Walton Beach, Destin and Panama City Beach are not excited to see this shit hit again. Dennis is supposed to come ashore late on Sunday and could possibly still be considered a hurricane, due to the wind speed, by the time it hits us here in the Birmingham area. I have heard predictions of 80 to 90 mile per hour winds in central Alabama. That stong of winds will uproot trees and rip off roofs. I hope there isn’t anyone from State Farm reading this because I am wishing for just a wee bit of roof damage myself. With the heavy rain we got last week from Tropical Storm Cindy I developed a water spot in the ceiling in the eat in area of our kitchen. Evidently I have a problem with the roof over the kitchen. With just the right amount of wind damage I may be able to get the insurance to cover the repairs. I know that sounds terrible, anyway….

I’ll update this post tomorrow or post another and let you all know what is going on. If it hits like they are saying, I doubt there will be any power on Monday. So obviously there won’t be any blogging. Those of you out there who are privileged (lol) to have my phone number(s) may feel free to call and check on The Chuckster Family and make sure we haven’t been blown off to Oz!

My friend Sarcastic Kitty tagged me with one of those dumb question things, so I suppose I should play along. Well, here goes….

What was I doing 10 years ago: In July of 1995 I was about seven months into a new job in Charleston, West Virginia. I was a store manager with a major bookseller chain. My daughter was almost two years old and my marriage to FA was fairly decent. On a down side I weighed probably twenty pounds more than I do now, although I was only twenty-six.

5 years ago: In July of 2000 I was miserably obese (standing 6′5″ and weighing 340 lbs) but had just began trying the Atkin’s Diet. I was a district sales manager for a major soft drink company working nearly 70 hours a week. My marriage to FA was going down hill fast. She was seven months pregnant with my son and had recently told me that she didn’t really love me, but considered us great friends. Thank God I ended up losing 100 pounds!

1 year ago: Susan and I were getting ready to celebrate our one year anniversary and I was often miserable, convinced she was cheating on me (she obviously wasn’t). She and I were in marriage counseling and I was taking anti-depressants for the first time. I was also having terrible headaches every time I would shoot a load of nut gravy.

Yesterday: At this time I was driving in the car, alone with my wife, heading to Tennessee. I had just unloaded a rather large load of nut gravy into her hand and she was frantically looking through the glove box with the other hand and saying, “I can’t believe you don’t have any damn napkins in this car!” I just love hand jobs while driving on the interstate!

5 Snacks I enjoy: Peanuts, popcorn, vodka, beer and Copenhagen.

5 songs I know all the words to: The Star-spangled Banner, Rocky Top, Sweet Home Alabama, Afternoon Delight and the Delta Chi Bond Song.

5 Things I would do with a $100 million: Have butt cheek inplants, a penile reduction, pay off the debts of our families as well as our own, provide round trip tickets to all my blogger buddies and host a killer party in Vegas, provide the funds for Snagley to finally have that hideous facial deformity removed. By the way….Happy Birthday Bo Snagley!! Today is his 50th! LOL Go send him your BD greetings.

5 Locations I would like to run away to: Vegas, NYC, The UK, Iraq and Buttlick, Alabama.

5 Bad habits I have: Nose picking, excessive farting, smoking, dipping snuff and intravenous drug use.

5 Things I like doing: Busting a nut, blogging, spending time with my kids, watching reality T.V. shows and making my wife cum very hard.

5 Things I would never wear: Whitey tighties, a short sleeve dress shirt with a tie, regular sized condoms, one of those chastity belt/holster things for men, a Democrat politician’s election button.

5 TV shows I like: Rescue Me (bought the 1st season DVD collection today), Hell’s Kitchen, Hannity and Colmes, Big Brother and On The Record with Greta Van Susteren.

5 biggest joys of the moment: My wife and my weight loss, the wild monkey sex I am planning on having tonight, lying to my daughter and telling her there is NO WAY I am getting her a cell phone for her birthday, the love I have for my children and the fact that my wife and I will have been married two years in eight days.

5 Favorite toys: My computers, Susan’s beautiful breasts, Susan’s vagina, my lawn mower (yeah right!)and my digital camera.

Okay….glad that’s over. I hope I haven’t bored you all. I seriously doubt there are any who want to do this that haven’t, but go ahead and feel free to play along! It was kinda fun, in a way….

Big excitement tomorrow….stay tuned!!

Afternoon! I have been absent from the blogosphere here of late due to work and meetings. Now it seems I am once again heading out of town here in the next hour or so. Susan and I are going to Tennessee to attend an anniversary party of some of her old friends then we are picking up my daughter from my parents and bringing her home. Back on the road again….third weekend in a row….ugh! We’ll get back just in time for Hurricane Dennis to arrive. That should be exciting!

Hope everyone has a nice weekend!!

And the rocket’s red glare, the bombs bursting in air, gave proof through the night…

…that not many of my neighbor’s had to get up and go to work this morning! The homemade firework displays around my house began around 8pm and ended, I think, sometime close to midnight. Of course the better rockets and fireworks were all used up by 10 so that only left the firecrackers and those screaming/whistling things for the later hours. So I ended up laying in bed watching the History Channel while, what sounded like a house to house fighting, took place out side my windows. Good thing it was an interesting show.

I hope you all had a great holiday weekend! As you know my kids had been spending a week with my parents in Tennessee. Friday evening Susan and I headed that way to pick them up. My folks and the kids had traveled further north to the other house in Virginia so Susan and I had my parents house to ourselves, once we arrived. We got in around 1am and proceeded to slip out and take a little swim under cover of the darkness of night. I’ll let you imagine the fun we may or may not have had…

Later, once Susan was asleep, I sat in the floor of my parent’s master bathroom and read through my Mother’s diaries. I read from 1973 through ‘76. It was interesting reading about “little Charles” (that would be me) and all the things we did back then. So, even though I didn’t get to read any blogs this weekend, I still got to read journals of a sort. Oh, in case you were wondering, my Mother was aware that I was reading them. There is still so many more I hope to have the chance to read. Mom was, and still is, a good chronicler of events.

Saturday morning Susan and I began the drive up to the house in Virginia. We stopped before we got out of Knoxville to stock up on our University of Tennessee T-shirts and other things we would be needing for the upcoming football season. The three hour trip to Virginia was uneventful, yet pleasant and soon we were reunited with family, many of which I hadn’t seen in three or more years. The childhood home of my dad and his brothers has been renovated beautifully. For a hundred year old house, it sparkles and shines. I have taken pictures and might post them to one of my albums soon. The rest of Saturday and Sunday was spent talking and eating and sight seeing a bit around town.

Sunday afternoon Susan, L and I left and drove two hours to Susan’s Mom’s house back in Tennessee. We decided my daughter T could stay another week and my sister would bring her home this Friday when she comes down for a Kenny Chesney concert here in Birmingham. We stayed up late talking with the MIL then left mid morning yesterday. We got home yesterday afternoon and unpacked, did laundry and cleaned house, then had dinner and went to bed. All in all it was a nice weekend except there was a little more driving than I would have liked. Susan and I were pretty much able to stick to our diets, except we did slip a little yesterday. But it was a national holiday after all. You have to cut lose a little on special occasions, right?

In other news FA got her DD’s installed on Friday. I’ve talked to her a couple times since then and she is hurting big time!! Poor thing…

I’ll talk with you all later….four day work week ahead!

YO, T.G.I.F. BABY!!!

I am afraid I will have to wish you all a happy Fourth of July a little early, except you Ed….I’ll just have to wish you a nice weekend. Since you aren’t blessed to be an American. Just kidding buddy. How about those Colonials kicking some British ass? Well sure, we did get some help from the French. Of course that was back when France wasn’t a nation of pussies…anyway….I am wishing you all a wonderful holiday weekend because I shan’t be around. By 5:30 this afternoon Susan and I will be on our way towards a family reunion of sorts in Virginia. She will get to meet more of my family that she hasn’t had the opportunity to meet before. How exciting is that? Yeah, I am sure she is shaking with anticipation.

My Dad had the opportunity to buy his childhood home in the small Virginia town he, and I, were born in. They had the old house gutted and totally remodeled. Supposedly it is pretty nice. Mom and Dad have been traveling from their home in Tennessee to the Southwestern corner of Virginia every weekend to get things all set up and ready at the house. A bunch of family will also be converging on the “old home place” and it should be a grand old time. Unfortunately both Susan and I have to be back at work on Tuesday, so it will be a pretty quick trip. My sore back is really looking forward to all the driving that will be involved. Right now I am hopped up on two of Susan’s “Vitamin V’s”, so I am feeling ever so nice.

I worked my ass off yesterday, and will be continuing to do so today. Being the blog whore that I was (notice I said was) I wasn’t focusing on work like I should have. Not that I wasn’t able, it’s just that I couldn’t turn my attention from the happenings on the Blogosphere. Well dudes, those days have changed. I was proud of myself yesterday. I maybe spent a total of twenty minutes total all day doing personal stuff on the Internet. The rest of the time I was in the trenches being Mr. Corporate. Of course, this isn’t news to you. I think I hit on this well enough yesterday.

Well, I sure hope you all have a wonderful holiday weekend. Go hang with family and friends. Grill out something nice and juicy and drink a case or two of beer. Put on your best red, white and blue and celebrate the 229th year since we declared our Independence. I’ll be back with you all on Monday evening. Take care.