Bo Snagley and I were led to the old cabin in the trees and told to sit down on the edge of the porch. The old man, aka the Alligator, gave Bubba the shot gun then went into the house leaving us there with the giant.

“Woo wee you fellers sho did pick the wrong day to fish gator swamp.” Bubba said.
“Yeah, I reckon we did.” Snagley responded, and then farted. “What exactly you all planning to do with us?”

Bubba shifted the gun to the crook of his arm, took a sniff of Bo’s odor and spread his legs. He reached one meaty paw into the crusty brown waist line of his underwear, freed his manhood from its confines and smiled.

“Aww, I figure we’ll think of something.” He said.

“Uh, I can’t speak for my friend here but I can definitely tell you that I’m not going to be doing anything that involves that.” I said, nodding towards his midsection where he was hanging out there for all to see.

“Shit boy, what the hell you think I’m talking about here?” With that he let lose a stream of putrid smelling urine in our direction. Bo and I both lifted our feet as his piss began to pool near the edge of the porch. So much for using the outhouse, I thought. He continued, “It ain’t me y’all are gonna be romping with. So don’t be givin me no ideas now ya here?”

Bo and I both exhaled in relief just as the old man stomped back out on the porch.

“Bubba you hick, don’t you be pissin’ out here in the yard. What would your maw, God rest her, say if she seen you a-doin that?” He yelled.
“Well Paw I didn’t want to leave these fellers while I went down yonder to the outhouse.”
“Hurry your ass up and get these boys in the house. Times a-wastin!” He said, then returned inside.

Bubba shook himself a couple times then flopped it back into his drawers and said, “Come on…let’s get goin.”

He ushered us through the screen door and into the dim front room of the cabin. When my eyes adjusted to the light I could see an old truck bench seat over in a corner along with a couple other sad looking chairs. On the other side of the room was a mattress that did not look much better than the one down by the pond. On it were two moldy looking pillows and a badly stained blanket. On the back wall, next to the only closed door, stood an old cook stove, and on the wall a couple of shelves with various can goods and pots and pans. Right next to the shelves hung a picture of Jesus.

Bo nodded to the picture and said under his breath with a laugh, “Good, they’re Christians.”
“What you say there boy?” Bubba asked.
“Uh, nothing Bubba…just was admiring the art work.”
“Well this ain’t no museum so get your asses over thar and sit down.” He waved us over with the shot gun in the direction of the truck bench.

Bo and I sat down next to each other on the bench trying to avoid the rusty springs sticking through the rotted leather and waited to see what would be next. Fortunately we didn’t have long to wait. The closed door on the back wall opened and out stepped the Alligator. Behind him walked two of the most sexiest creatures I had ever laid eyes on. Surely this wasn’t the Irma and Gertie previously mentioned. They followed their father into the room, but never took their gaze from the floor. The old man began talking, but I wasn’t listening. I couldn’t take my eyes off the girls. Finally, I thought, this has to be a joke. There is NO WAY in hell these two hotties are any relation to the disgusting specimens of manhood who were also standing in the room.

Irma and Gertie stood about four steps behind the old man and stared shyly at the floor while their father talked. Gretie was about 5’7” with a perfect figure. Her fire red hair was pulled into pigtails which rested on her pale white shoulders. Irma could have been her twin, except that her hair was more of a strawberry blond. Both girls were wearing pink tube tops and their firm ample bosoms were straining to get free from the fabric. From their tits my eyes trailed down their tight trim and bared stomachs to two pairs of the shortest denim shorts I think I had ever seen this side of a porn site. Daisy Duke would have blushed in embarrassment to have ever worn anything that short. They, like the rest of the family, were barefooted, but the nails on both their feet were painted a bright shade of pink. These girls were hot I tell you. Suddenly I realized things were getting a little cramped in the crotch of my jeans. I continued to stare until Bo’s elbow jabbed me in the ribs and brought be back to reality.

“Are you hearing what he’s saying?” He asked.

I cleared my throat and turned my gaze from the ladies to the Alligator. “Uh, sorry…no. What was that?” I said.

“Boy, get the wax out your ears and listen up. What I said was we be needin’ us some babies. We heard tell thar is plenty of that thar welfare money out thar and we’re aiming to get us some.”
“Yeah, and don’t forget the cheese Paw.” Bubba interrupted with a smile.
“Shut your mouth boy and let me speak.” He back handed Bubba across the chest and continued, “They way we figure it, if Gert and Irma can get one in the oven we can live high on the hog on all that thar government assistance they hand out. There ain’t been no one come round these parts in a while so you fellers will just have to do.”

“Why don’t you just take them down to Tuscaloosa for a weekend and drop them off on fraternity row. I am sure they’d come back with a bun in the oven.” Bo said with a laugh.

The Alligator grabbed the shot gun out of Bubba’s hands and pointed it at Snagley.

“Now don’t you go getting smart with me boy. I can’t do that seeing as I need to be there to make sure it’s done right. We gots us a way to make sure it takes on the first try. Why the hell you think country people always have so many younguns?”

“Yeah Snag.” I said, again eyeing the girls. For once in my life I found myself thanking God for the Democrats and their ideas of giving handouts to folks who have no desire to help themselves. “Sir I think we’d be more than happy to help you out with your little, uh…problem here.” I added. With that both girls looked up from the floor for the first time and Snag and I both winced.

Irma and Gertie both had the worse case of crossed eyes I had ever seen. I swear their faces were directed straight at where Bo and I sat, but their eyes were looking at both sides of the room. At first it was a little eerie, but I soon got over it. Hell, I thought, it isn’t like I have to look them in the eye while I am doing it. Besides, once I am done with them their crazy eyes will be rolled back in their heads in ecstasy. I silently chuckled at my own thoughts until I heard Bo speak up.

“Well Mr. uh, Alligator sir. I would love to help you here but you see I am a married man. I got a wife and kids back home and it wouldn’t be right for me to go against my vows.” He nodded towards the picture of Jesus on the wall and added, “I’m sure Jesus there would agree. But you are in luck; Chuck here is getting divorced any day now. I’m sure he would be happy to oblige.”

The old man thought a second and said, “That’s the truth. Jesus and these here girl’s poor mama, God rest her, wouldn’t want them hunching with no happily married man. I reckon you can watch at the foot of the bed with Bubba and me.”

I was extremely excited about the prospect of showing these girls the time of their lives but I had to admit I wasn’t too happy that it was going to end up being a spectator sport.

“Why don’t y’all let Bo here take my car on home and I will stay the night. Surely it might take more than one try to get it right, if you know what I mean”, I said with a wink, “Bo can come on back in the morning and pick me up.”

“You just might not be able to walk in the mornin’ once we’re done with ya.” Irma said and both girls started to giggle. I couldn’t tell if they were looking at me, but I took it as a good sign once they started licking their lips.

The Alligator took a seat in one of the old chairs and seemed to think for a minute. Finally he looked up and said, “Alright it’s decided. You go on back to whar ever you come from and be back here ‘round breakfast tomorrow. You can get your buddy here, then.”

Bo looked at me and whispered, “You sure about this man?” then silently farted. (at least he is a gentleman) I waved the horrid smell away with my hand and said, “I have never been more sure of anything in my life.”

Bo stood up and immediately Gertie and Irma skipped over to me, titties bouncing, and each took a seat on one of my knees. They began to rub their hands over my chest, stomach and crotch while they each planted wet kisses on the sides of my head and neck.

“Well, I guess I will see you in the morning.” Bo said and started towards the door. Before he left he turned back and added, “You sure you’ll be alright?”

The girls stood up in unison, pulled me up from the bench and began to lead me to the back bedroom door. They both crossed their arms behind my back, and placed a hand on each of my ass cheeks.

“Yeah man…don’t worry about me. The kids are out of town with FA so I can’t think of any better way to pass the night. Just be sure to come get me in the morning.”

Insert intense and graphic sex scene where Chuck rocks the world of two country chicks, all night long…..

So finally you have the tale of the Alligator. As you know Bo has been bugging me to share this story for months now. I was hesitant to do so but figured ‘what the hell’ and wrote it anyway.

Today, somewhere in the back woods of Alabama near a place called Gator Swamp, there are two little two and a half year old kids who look a little like The Chuckster (except for their crossed eyes), living off government aid with their Mothers, Grandpaw and uncle.

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it.

“I fell in step behind him throwing my borrowed rod over my shoulder. My worries and concerns about my divorce were temporally forgotten when I thought I noticed something, from the corner of my eye, staring back at us from the water. I turned and looked but it was gone. In the spot I thought I had seen something there were only a few bubbles rising and breaking on the surface of the grimy pond water. Even that was soon forgotten when I suddenly tripped over a dead log and fell, catching myself with my hands, into a pool of rancid sludge.”

“What the Frig!” I yelled. “What is this shit?”
“Uh, I think that is exactly what it is.” Snag said bursting in laughter.

I grabbed hold of an overhanging branch and pulled myself back onto my feet, then took a look around. The log I had tripped over was hiding a two foot wide stream of a heinous smelling semi liquid substance. It slowly worked its way down an embankment into the pond. I stepped over the stream and looked around for something to wipe my hands on. Finding nothing, I chose the only thing I had, the legs of my jeans.

“I think I found where it’s coming from.” Snag yelled from the top of the embankment. I looked up to where he was standing next to an old rickety out house, the backside of which was hanging over the hill, and shivered. Great it is shit, I thought. “Not just shit,” Snagley said seemingly to read my mind, “smells like a fair amount of piss as well. Whew, what a mess of flies!”

As Snagley swatted at the buzzing insects I trotted up the embankment, past the terrible smelling out house, to where he stood. Yes it was an outdoor bathroom, or as my great grandmother used to say, a Johnny House. From the looks (and smell) of things it had been in recent use.

“Who would put an outhouse out here in the middle of nowhere?” I said while still staring at the out dated structure.

After a moment I realized Bo was being a little too quiet and I turned my attention to what ever it was he was looking at. As I shifted my gaze in the direction he was staring I could barely make out a run down shack about sixty yards away, midst the forest of cedar and pine trees. Whoever had been using this out house must be living in that cabin, I thought.

“We best be getting out of here.” Snagley said.
“Yeah, I would agree.” I responded. We both turned in unison to make our way back down the hill, but were stopped dead in our tracks.

“Well now, looky what I done found!”

Standing at the bottom of the steep embankment was a vision straight from The Deliverance. It was old, fat and bald and stood probably a hair over five feet. He was shirtless other than a pair of worn out overalls. He was standing barefooted in the same shit sludge I had fallen in five minutes before. There was nothing particular scary about him. Snag and I could have easily taken him if not for the double barreled shot gun he had leveled in our direction.

“Hey Bubba, get over here and see what’s come a-callin. Looks like two city boys out to do ‘em some e-legal fishin’ on our land.” He said.

From over on the side of the pond where the trash and mattress were discarded stood a monster. Bubba must have been seven feet tall, also bald. From a distance he appeared to have not a tooth in his head. He was covered from his head to his bare feet in mud and at first glance I thought he was naked, but as he got closer it was obvious he was wearing only mud covered whitey tighty briefs.

“Well hell fire Paw, we ain’t found no squirrels on our hunt, but it looks like we done caught us something after all.”
“What you boys doin here and what y’all sniffing ‘round my property for?” The old man asked.

Snagley looked at me and I looked at him then we both looked back at Paw. Snag cleared his throat, farted and said,

“Sir we were only out to do a little fishing. We didn’t know this was private property. There weren’t any signs.”

Great, I thought, what a way to get my mind off the divorce. Leave it to good ole Snag!

The old man hocked up something from the depths of his lungs, spit and said,

“Ain’t no one ever come back this far off the blacktop. Ain’t no need for nary a sign. I think y’all done come out here for some other reason.”
“Yeah Paw, I reckon they come sniffing ‘round for Gertie and Irma. They must could smell them in heat all the way down to Birmingham.” Bubba said with a snort. “Them girls gonna be mighty happy to see what we done found on our hunt today. Which one of you drivin that fancy car parked over yonder?”

I stood there for a minute not believing that this was happening. Surely this was another one of Snagley’s many pranks. For a moment I almost believed it until the old man waved the gun again in our direction and said,

“What, the cat got you’uns tongue? Come on and spit it out. We can’t have that. Gertie and Irma would be mighty upset if them tongues don’t work!” Both Paw and Bubba laughed hard at the joke and Bubba brought his muddy hand up to his mouth, made a reversed ‘V’ with the first two fingers, then flicked his tongue between them. Yeah, this wasn’t a joke.

“Like he said we just came out to do some fishing. We changed our minds and were fixing to leave when y’all showed up. We’ll leave now and get out of your hair.” I said realizing a little too late that they didn’t have any hair to get “out of”.
“Naw, I think y’all might as well stay for supper.” Paw said while Bubba snickered behind him. “What kind a hosts would we be if we didn’t show y’all no hospitality?”

He turned to Bubba and said, “Boy get up thar and guide them fellers to the house. I’ll follow right behind with his here shot gun in case they want to make a run for it.”

Bubba made it up the slope in four strides and stood between Snag and I putting a hand on both our shoulders. He took a look at us and said,

“You fellers sure are gonna make too lonely girls mighty happy!”

As long as I don’t have to squeal like a piggy, I thought with a shudder.

From the bottom of the hill the old man balanced the shot gun between his legs and spread both arms wide as if to survey the surroundings and said,

“Boys, welcome to Gator Swamp! Folks ‘round these parts call me The Alligator!”

To be continued….

As many of you know Bo Snagley and I have been friends since the summer of 1989. Having been room mates in college we experienced many wild and adventurous times. None were more wild or adventurous than the Saturday afternoon we shared during the bleak early days of my separation and divorce. So here at last I share with you the “alligator story”.

From the time I married and left college in 1991 till I finally returned to the Birmingham area in late 2002 Bo and I saw very little of each other. We certainly kept in touch, talking on the phone once every other month or so. I came back in 1995 to be one of the groomsmen in Bo’s wedding to the lovely Jo and took him out for a two man bachelor party the night before. His wedding is a post in itself and maybe he will write about it sometime. Let’s just say for now that I could have passed out while standing there on stage as a member of the wedding party, and might have fallen into one of those giant potted fern things. Anyway…

When I moved my family back to Alabama from Oklahoma in November 2002 Bo and I were again living within 30 miles of each other. You may remember that it was Bo and Jo Snagley that FA and I had our last dinner with as a couple on Valentine’s Day evening of ’03. She left me days later, but that has all ready been covered in another post.

When I suddenly became aware that I was soon to be a divorced man I turned to Bo for a shoulder to lean on. He came through, as he always did, giving me the support and advice that you so often can see when he comments here on my blog. (yeah right) Seriously though, Bo wasn’t always the heartless-wine-guzzling-chicken farmer he is now. Fortunately he channeled his little used compassionate side and came to my rescue in those dark early days when I needed him most. His solution to my troubles? To take me fishing…

It was arranged that I would meet him early one Saturday morning at his home on the north side. I got there and greeted Jo and all the little Snagletts and he and I loaded into my Taurus and headed towards water. Bo directed my driving, as I knew not where we were going, and soon we found ourselves on some back woods dirt road at a little mom and pop store. Once there he informed me that I would need a fresh water fishing license and I shelled out seven or eight dollars of my dwindling cash fund for a little slip of paper. Actually I think I used my AMEX, but still money was tight. With license, bait and a couple cokes in hand we got back on the dirt road and drove for what seemed like forever.

Eventually he had me turn off the road onto an even more desolate dirt path choked with over hanging trees, dense vegetation and scrub brush. I turned to him and questioned,

“Do you actually know where it is we’re going?”
“Yep, just trust me….its just a piece more up this road. See that bend yonder? It’s right around there.”

I sighed and shook my head and silently hoped he wouldn’t forget again that the window was up when he felt the need to spit out the juice from the tobacco he was chewing.

Within minutes we arrived at our destination and Snagley pronounced our arrival. “Here we are!” He then promptly farted and exited the car.

“Ain’t this the prettiest place you ever saw?” He asked, sniffing the air and farting once again.

I gazed out over the pond and couldn’t help but notice the forlorn and despicable condition of the surroundings. The pond looked to be stagnant in some places. Over on one side there were piles of trash, an old couch, a filthy mattress and what looked to be the ancient makings of a home made still. On further examination we found the bones of several small animals (or maybe midgets), countless empty Milwaukee Best beer cans and a few used and discarded condoms.

“At least the rednecks practice safe sex.” I commented with a laugh as I pointed to the litter of prophylactics.
“Heck, thems most likely left over from some “fam’ly fun.” Bo said with a wink, grin and eventual fart.
“Family fun?” I asked.

He sniffed again and spit a massive stream of tobacco juice then said,

“Yeah, often times when cousins or brothers and sisters go at it they’ll use ‘em a rubber. You ever seen any of them younguns what come from that kind of matting? They can pop out mighty scary looking.”

I suddenly remembered where I was and shuddered. I took a sideways glance at Snagley and couldn’t help but think maybe that was the reason for his large patch of missing hair, lazy eye and difficulty concentrating in college.

Snagley set off walking past the trash, his rod and bait in hand, and pointed to a clear spot on the bank on the far side of the pond.

“The best fishin’ is done over there from that clearing. Follow me and watch your step.”

I fell in step behind him throwing my borrowed rod over my shoulder. My worries and concerns about my divorce were temporally forgotten when I thought I noticed something, from the corner of my eye, staring back at us from the water. I turned and looked but it was gone. In the spot I thought I had seen something there were only a few bubbles rising and breaking on the surface of the grimy pond water. Even that was soon forgotten when I suddenly tripped over a dead log and fell, catching myself with my hands, into a pool of rancid sludge.

To be continued…

Well it looks like the Teflon Molester is free to go. He can molest them but it never sticks in court. I wonder if he will celebrate with a bed full of adolescent boys tonight. Needless to say I am disgusted.

I met FA to get the kids back from her today. In all fairness I must say that she did come through with the purchases this weekend. I suppose I was successful in guilt-ing her into it. She bought T three or four t-shirts, some panties and bras. She also got the boy’s hair cut. That was something that needed to be done, but I didn’t mention. Between the PS2 game, the Star Wars book she bought for my son and all the clothes, meals out and the haircut I bet she spent $300 over the past three days. It simply amazes me that she has that kind of money to spend. Especially since she has no income other than the money her Mother deposits from her bank in Florida.

Several of you have asked why we don’t go for child support and full custody right now. I have answered those of you who asked through my email responses, but I figure there may be others wondering who haven’t asked. The reason is this…recently we were successful in legally getting the $500 a month alimony removed from the divorce decree. Frankly after paying her that much a month for two years I was tired of her being on my payroll. She had chosen not to work so Susan and I were tired of supporting someone who didn’t try to support themselves. My lawyer intentionally left the child support option open by having the phrase, “Child support to be determined by future order of the court”, added to the decree. He suggested we wait a little while before going after support, if we can, so it doesn’t appear to the judge that we are only about the money. But, as I have said before, I do have a plan.

I intend to have a talk with FA sometime before school starts back. I am going to tell her that I need her to step up to the plate and help us with the financial aspects of child rearing. My thoughts are that she could pay for one week of pre-school a month ($75) and pay for T’s hot lunches at school every other month ($50). She will also need to help pay half of other expenses such as field trip fees, school clothes, etc. It’s my belief that I will be able to guilt her into doing it. I usually have success with things like this, but it often takes me a few attempts to close any deal with her. She does, quite frequently, tend to be a bit stubborn.

Alright, that’s about it for today. Not much else to report. My boss is coming into town on Thursday so I have been extra busy today. I promise no more ex wife posts for a while!

I am certainly thankful for the many responses to my “questions about you” post. You guys rock! It’s great to learn a little about you who come here, even if they are rather generic questions.

Well, it’s Sunday afternoon and the weekend is winding its way to completion. It has been a pretty good one here. Arlene’s visit wasn’t as bad as thought. The first named storm of the season made landfall right around the Florida/Alabama border and moved on inland from there. We experienced only the outer fringes of the eastern side of the storm, so all it amounted to was rain. The cloud cover and rain has cooled things down a bit and it is pretty comfortable for June in the Deep South.

This has been the first weekend since the cruise that Susan and I have been alone. My ex, FA, has had the kids since Thursday afternoon. Yesterday Susan and I slept in till 11am, then pretty much laid on our asses the rest of the day. In the evening we went out to dinner at a new restaurant, The Fox and Hound Pub, then on to see a movie. There are three movies we have wanted to see, The Longest Yard, Cinderella Man and Mr. And Mrs. Smith. We chose The Longest Yard and it was pretty good. I actually liked it better than the original. Today we woke up again at 11 and ain’t done much of nothing since. Susan is taking her usual nap now and I just got back from the grocery store. I am making a beef and chicken stir fry tonight. I am now about thirty minutes away from making a blender full of peach daiquiris. That should be good!

Seems it has been a while since I have ranted about my ex wife here on the pages of my blog. I guess I have been trying to ignore her idiotic antics in some way, but I can’t any longer. She is the most irresponsible and selfish person I have ever known. I’m not sure why it surprises me in light of all she has done in the two plus years since or divorce, but it does. Since I was able to eliminate the alimony back in April she has been living solely off the money her Mother sends her. She is a 35-year-old full time college student who does not work or do anything to support herself. She has an $850 a month apartment, a brand new (bought at Christmas) car, a new Dell computer and all her utilities (internet, power, water, cell phone, insurance, gas, etc) paid my dear old Mom. Oh, I mustn’t forget about the three therapists she sees weekly. That’s covered too.

Thursday when I walked the kid’s stuff out to her car she had to remove a pretty fancy guitar from the back seat. She went around to the trunk and took out a black leather case, lined with purple velvet, and put the guitar in it. I asked her what was up with the guitar and she replied that she had purchased it at a music store downtown and that she was taking lessons. I am not an expert but from the looks of the instrument it had to have cost a couple hundred dollars. As I stood there I began to mentally fume. Here is a woman who has a membership to the brand new and fancy Gold’s Gym, she always has her hair done and streaked with color, her finger and toe nails are always manicured and she goes daily to the tanning bed. What, I was thinking, does she do financially for her kids? Nothing, that’s what…It’s all about FA to FA. As I stood there I mentioned to her that T, my daughter, needed some t-shirts for the summer. Susan had purchased her several pairs of shorts and a bathing suit, but we figured FA could spring for some t-shirts and underwear and bras. The least expensive of the stuff she needs. I told her that all of this could be bought at Wal-Mart and that T wouldn’t care. She nodded and said okay and then they left.

That night I called and talked to my daughter. She told me she was playing her new game. Her Mother had bought her the new PS2 game for the Madagascar movie. I asked her what kind of clothes her mom had bought, and she told me none. Friday morning I called and talked to FA and asked her why, since T’s birthday is in a month and a half, would she buy her a new game when it could have been a birthday gift. She replied that she felt guilty for not having seen the kids in two weeks so she wanted to get them some toys. I just sighed and shook my head. She did assure me that she would get the needed clothes too.

Then Friday night I called around 10:30 pm to talk to the kids. T answered and said that Mom was in the kitchen making dinner. Dinner that late in the freaking evening? These kids are eleven and four, not college students. I got FA to get on the phone and I let her have it. I told her how irresponsible she was when it came to the kids. I told her that I couldn’t believe she still hasn’t bought T the clothes she needs. Man I was mad! She countered by saying the one thing that I figured she had always thought, but would never actually say out loud,

“It is not my responsibility to buy the kids any clothes.”

I stood there for nearly half a minute without speaking. In my head things were spinning. All I could think about was how Susan, just a step mom of two years, goes without regular hair cuts and color, does her own manicures, has to pay so much for T & L’s well being and they are not even her offspring. Meanwhile the real mother spends piles of money (money she does nothing to work for) on herself only. My response?

“No FA, it is your responsibility. YOU are these kid’s mother.”

She promptly hung up on me. She is such a selfish bitch without even a clue.

I have not spoken to her since, other to tell her to put one of the kids on the phone. I honestly believe I am finally done with her. For the better part of the past two years I have posed as her friend. I have bit my lip and held my tongue (usually) when she has told me about all the stupid ass shit she has done. I was compassionate during her “suicide” episodes, even when she told me it was only done for attention. I have been a shoulder to lean on during all the recent fan hitting shit over the married therapist/minister she had been screwing. I have listened to her tell me all about her classes and her grades. I have been the perfect image of the “ex’s can be friends” theory. Even though I was just acting, she bought it. Those days are over. I have come to my senses and the next time she tries to share something with me about her life I will politely interrupt her and say,

“Until you can take responsibility for your half in raising these kids I have nothing more to say to you.”

I am so tempted to take her ass to court and sue her for child support. We have done the research. We have talked to our attorney. A judge could force her to go to work and pay us support. Susan and I have talked this over. I am going to give her six more months to see if she can step up to the plate. If not, January may find us in court. Who knows?

Susan is up now and asked what I was doing. I just told her what it is I am writing about here and her response pretty much sums it all up:

“I just feel sorry for the kids for having a piece of shit Mom.”

Yep, I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Once, way back in my early days of blogging I posted a list of questions I had for the people who were reading my blog. It was a way for me to learn a little about the folks who visited me. That’s been like ten months ago and I think it’s time for me to do it again only with an updated version. I know these things are stupid and take your precious time, but please take a minute and indulge me. We all like talking about ourselves, right? That’s why so many of us blog in the first place! Now on average I get close to 300 hits a day and probably 95% of those never leave any comments. I want to hear from you all, even you lurkers who never make your presence known. Here is your chance to make your mark amongst those wonderful people (except Snagley) who comment here frequently. Answer the questions in the comments, be honest, and write as much or as little as you want. If you would like, anonymous comments are welcome too!

Okay, here we go…

1. Age and sex
2. State/providence/country
3. Relationship status
4. Education level
5. Favorite sport and sport team
6. Political beliefs
7. Work field
8. Major hobbies
9. Favorite food
10. Age when you lost your virginity

That should do it. Feel free to add any information you would like. Thanks in advance for taking the time.

I will start this off by being the first to comment.

The Chuckster’s household is going wireless!

But first the Bad News…

The Dell laptop that I use to post to my blog has to be sent to Dell to have the PCMCIA slot repaired. I recently purchased a wireless router and the adapter card it came with would not work with this laptop. With further investigation I discovered that the slot, which had never been used, was defective. I am shipping the computer tomorrow morning and probably will not have it back for a week or so. Meanwhile there will be little to no posting here, unless I can get brave enough to use my company laptop. On second thought I could write my posts on a Word document and then email them to ESSFingers and have her post them. Hmmm, wonder if she would be so kind? We’ll see, I will have to check into that.

The Good News…

Today, for Father’s Day, my lovely wife agreed to allow the purchase of a brand new Dell Inspiron 9300 laptop. Unfortunately it will not be shipping until June 22. But when it get’s here it will be the bomb! I will be able to burn DVD with this puppy. I wonder if you can take any DVD off the rack at Blockbuster and burn your own copy with this? I assume it would be illegal, but still…wouldn’t that be cool? If anyone knows whether this is possible, please let me know. Not that I would do such a thing of course.

This three year old Dell laptop that I am sending in for repairs will become my daughters. With the wireless router all three laptops will be able to be online at the same time. I will also be able to blog from the livingroom or even the bed! Maybe I will hook up the webcam and Susan and I can perform our own version of home movies via for all the net to see! LOL

Anyway, this will be it for a while. As mentioned above I may find a way to post, but if not then I will get back at you all sometime around the middle of next week. Take care!

To be such an accomplished performer in the musical theater, one would suppose that I am a person who lives with music daily. Unfortunately that is not the case. I much prefer to listen to talk radio programs of the political or sports nature. But since both Chris(who slightly modified it) and Michael offered me the opportunity to participate I figured I would. Hopefully this won’t bore you too awfully much.

Total volume of music files on my computer:

I used to have Kazaa on my computer and would occasionally download and save songs that I liked. I stopped doing that back when all the legal action was being taken against folks who did such things. Lately I have begun sharing files with friends and ripping CD’s that I have or have borrowed. I have around 300 music files currently on my computer.

The last CD I bought was:

The last CD I purchased was, believe it or not, The American Idol CD produced for the American Red Cross. I realize that purchase was rather lame, but I bought three of them on the day I went to get Bo Bice’s autograph back in mid May. Unfortunately we never got the autograph and the CD’s were already opened, so I didn’t attempt to return them. Anyone want one?

Song playing right now:

There isn’t one, so hold on a second and let me turn on the radio….okay that would be Living On Love, by Allan Jackson. This song does bring back some memories. Specifically the time I stood next to Allan at the urinals in a bathroom at the Atlanta Airport. Did I take a peek? He is a world famous performer, what do you think?

Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:

1. Afternoon Delight, Starland Vocal Band - my favorite time for loving.
2. Always, Atlantic Star - Sang this song as a duet on stage at my senior prom.
3. Flying Without Wings, Ruben Studdard - Kind of became Susan and my song when we were dating.
4. Rocky Top, UT Marching Band - Get’s my football juices flowing.
5. No Sleep Till Brooklyn, Beastie Boys - This song was playing when, in 11th grade, I hit a kid with my car while he was walking to the bus stop. Luckily he was okay, but anytime I hear a song from that Beastie’s album I think about that morning.

Best song make love to:

I don’t really have a favorite. Susan prefers to make love with Fox News on in the background. If I were to have a favorite song to “tap dat azz” to it would be anything slow and sexy, or with a porno instrumental beat.

Yep, I am lame…..

If anyone wants to take this quiz and do it yourself, feel free.

One of my favorite Uncles died the other day. He was fifty years old. He was a good man, especially in his later years, and he will be missed by many. He was diagnosed back in February of this year with cancer. It was found in several of his organs, including his pancreas. He held on, in much pain, for nearly four months.

My Dad has three other brothers, the youngest two I grew to be very close to over the years of my childhood, and it continued as I grew to be an adult. Their Mother had died when they all were pretty young and as they grew older the two youngest ones spent a lot of time living with my parents and me. I can remember being a child in grade school and hearing my Uncles tell me stories of their adventures in the Army and their conquests with women. As I grew older my Uncle Hank took me under his wing often, teaching me things that were of interest to him; mainly horses and airplanes. He was an accomplished pilot and horseman. He raised, broke, trained and sold horses most of his life. He loved being on a horse and I think he always saw himself in his fantasies as a cowboy.

Hank was also a successful business owner, owning two very successful restaurants/bars in his city. It was at one of these that he invited me to come work for him in his “management training program” back in the early 90’s. During the two years I was in his employ I learned a lot about the other side of my Uncle. I began writing about this back in late January and early February here on my blog. If you care to read these posts you can click on them here;

The Family Business Part 1

The Family Business Part 2

Originally I had intended to relate those experiences from my younger days as a way to find something interesting to write about. I ended up getting pretty detailed about certain events from that time and it began to play out like a badly written porn novel. Soon after I had begun with the stories I discovered Hank had become very sick, and out of respect for him I stopped writing about my time in his employ. I didn’t think it was right to share about his “bad times” when he was laying up sick in the hospital. As days went by I learned that his sickness was terminal, and eventually I abandoned those writings all together. I guess you may wonder why it is I choose to share those stories again here when they are pretty much forgotten and filed away in my archives. I suppose the real reason is because I want to stress how a person can change from reckless, care free and immoral to become a good and respected person. This all happened to Hank in the past nine years.

About nine years ago my Uncle had a terrible accident while ridding horses with a friend. They were drunk and decided to race down hill. Hank’s mustang tripped on a tree root in the path and threw him. He hit the ground sliding down the hill with the horse on its side, right behind him. He ended up making contact with a tree and the horse hit, wedging him between animal and tree. He wasn’t expected to live. The entire family traveled to him prepared to attend a funeral. But he did live. He eventually worked his way back, but was never normal. In a way, that was a good thing. He changed and his life changed as well. He became a much better husband and Father to his sons. He stopped all his wild ways, gave up the drugs and other women and looked at life like only someone who stared death in the face could. I last saw him back during the July family reunion at my parent’s home in Tennessee. I can still see him sitting out on the deck and laughing and talking with us all by the pool. That is how I will remember him.

I will miss my Uncle.