It seems like I have been away from home now forever. Actually it was only seven days, but when you’re gone that long it tends to cause you to get behind in so many things. I spent most of Thursday working hard to catch up on work. When I finally checked my work email that morning, I believe I had like 200 that had been sent in the week and a half since I had last worked. I kept myself busy till around 11:30 when I went and picked up my daughter from school, it was the last day, and she and a friend and I went to the noon showing of Star Wars III. As a hardcore SW fan, let me say that I was very pleased with Mr. Lucas’s wrapping up of the story. It was an excellent movie and I plan on seeing it a few more times before it comes out on DVD and I get to own it.

After the movie I dropped the girls off at the friends house, T was spending the night with her, and came back home to dive back into work. Around 5:30 I ended my work day, went and picked up my son from pre-school, then came home and waited for Susan to arrive. Once she was here to watch the boy I went out and cut the jungle that only two weeks before had been a nicely manicured lawn. That completed we had some Taco Bell for dinner and then Susan and I watched Team America-World Police. Very funny movie!

Yesterday, Friday, was much the same. Busy with work all day long. Last night T had an “End of the School Year Slumber Party” and I was the perfect Dad, grilling out hotdogs and keeping the little brother from bothering the girls. I did bribe him to be good with the promise of a Star Wars toy from Wal*Mart.

And now the promised story of the Cruise. May I begin with a song?

“So I’d like to know where, you got the notion
said I’d like to know where, you got the notion

to rock the boat, don’t rock the boat baby
rock the boat, don’t tip the boat over
rock the boat, don’t rock the boat baby
rock the boat-t-t-t-t”

Thursday, May 19th

Once we were packed and ready to leave, we took Trooper to the vet where he was to be neutered and boarded, and set out down I-65 to Mobile, Alabama. The four hour drive flew by thanks to the anticipation we had for our vacation. At the cruise terminal our anticipation turned to dread. You see, we had been told by several people about how expensive the booze is on cruise ships. In case there are those of you who don’t know, everything is inclusive on the boat except all liquor and sodas. We had also been told that the drinks were expensive. Both of our friends had spent anywhere between $700 and $1000 on adult beverages. We were encouraged by Susan’s friend Susie to sneak our own liquor in our suit cases. She said that she had done that twice on two separate cruises and only been caught once. Bringing your own booze is against the rules. If caught all they do is consfigate it, then return it to you when you disembark. Between mine and Susan’s suitcase I had stashed two bottles of Jim Beam and two bottles of vodka. We were a nervous wreck thinking we would be embarrassed in front of others if they were to find the bottles. We imagined countless people looking on, pointing and laughing at our expense.

Once in the terminal we learned that they took all our luggage and it would later be placed outside of your stateroom door once the cruise was underway. Well, at least we wouldn’t have to worry about a public spectacle if it was caught. We proceeded through security and to the check in desk. There we gave them our credit card number and they in turn gave us two “on board credit cards” to use for anything we purchased while on the ship. The purchases would be placed onto my AMEX on the last evening of the cruise.

We boarded the Carnival Cruise Line ship, Holiday and immediately went to the 10th deck where lunch was being served. The ship was packed and I stood in line to get us some food while she went to find a table. After lunch we were able to go to our stateroom and rest a little.

I was expecting some kind of small dinky room with a round porthole in the wall. We were surprised to find that it was much nicer than we expected. Of course our accommodations were on the top level of rooms, the 7th deck. Those on the floors below us may have been smaller. Although the stateroom wasn’t large, by hotel room standards, there was still plenty of room to move around. If I had to guess I would say it was probably 24’ by 24’, with additional space for the bathroom and storage closets. There was even a TV mounted in a corner with satellite network broadcasts from NYC. In the room there was a bottle of champagne on ice with two glasses as well as a plate of chocolate dipped strawberries. These were gifts arranged by my customer, who we were guests of. There was also a card informing us that our room had received a $100 credit for on board purchases thanks to my customer. We were happy to find that out, at least that would be a hundred bucks off whatever our bar tab was at the end of the trip.

We drank the champagne then went back up on deck to watch as we left the Port of Mobile. Once at sea Susan felt like a nap and I decided to do a little exploring. I took a lot of pictures while I walked around and was surprised to find that there was a topless deck. Too bad there wasn’t anyone enjoying the boobs to the breeze freedom when I checked it out.

Finally, around 7pm our luggage was returned to us…booze still hidden in the clothes. We really had been sweating it. Our bags returned we dressed up and attended a cocktail reception hosted by my customer for all their guests, then went to dinner in one of the two fancy dinning rooms. We were seated with three other couples and quickly made friends with all of them. Susan and I split a bottle of wine at dinner, and that coupled with the earlier cocktails was enough to make us want to retire to our room for a little one on one time. Once the loving was complete, and the gravy spilt, we drifted off to sleep.

Friday, May 20th

I guess I should take the time to mention sea sickness. Although the ship was big, you could still feel the slightest movement in the ocean. Susan and I both were concerned about this, having never been on an ocean going vessel. We had brought along some pills to take, but actually we never really needed it. The ride was pretty smooth, until the last day, so there wasn’t much to worry about.

We both slept very well and woke up around 8am ready for our fun filled day at sea. After getting into our swim suits we went on up for breakfast in the buffet style dinning room on the 10th deck. Unimpressed with the food, we discarded our plates and headed out onto the back deck to secure a couple lounge chairs for a day of sun bathing. Before we exited the sliding glass doors to the back pool area, there was one of those ice cream dispensing machines. You know the kind like you find at buffet restaurants. It dispensed both chocolate and vanilla ice cream and yogurt. This machine was to become Susan’s best friend over the next three days.

We lay out on the deck in the sun for about four hours then went in for lunch. After lunch Susan was feeling a little on the horny side so it was back to the room for our own style of “rocking the boat.” The sun, booze and sex had us worn out so we decided to nap for a while. I woke up after about an hour and a half and left her in bed while I went back out for more drinkage and sun. She found me a couple hours later, quite toasted sitting on a lounge chair talking with random folks nearby.

That night is a blur. I can’t remember what it was we did for dinner. I was a little too intoxicated and ended up falling asleep as soon as we got back to the room. Later, after I was more myself, and as Susan slept I went out and sat in a chair on the top deck admiring the stars.

Saturday, May 21st

We awoke at 8am and looked out the stateroom window to find that we had arrived in Cozumel, Mexico. After showers and breakfast we debarked the ship and made our way down the long concrete walkway, over the water and onto the island. My only previous Mexican experience was my trip last November to Tijuana, and I must say that Cozumel is a much cleaner place to visit. Unless you’re looking for strip clubs and whores, then TJ is the place to go. Anyway, we walked down the main strip where all the business were lined up. As we would pass each store we were welcomed by hawking owners to come in and look around. Most of these we smiled and thanked and continued to stroll down the sidewalk. God it was hot! After we had walked a good quarter mile I had sweated through my shirt. Susan was looking specifically for a couple places she wanted to shop and eventually we found them. Several shopping bags in hand, we stopped in for a margarita at an out door restaurant/bar. I ordered two large frozen marg’s and we were informed by the, barely English speaking waiter, that their margarita machine was broken. Uh, hello? This is Mexico…seems they should keep that baby working ship shape. Instead we ordered pina coladas and sat down to rest and have a smoke.

Soon it was time to make our way to the famous Carlos & Charlie’s for our pre selected excursion event. We had the opportunity to sign up for one of three different port of call events and of course we chose the one that involved food and drink! To be honest I wasn’t very impressed with the place and we only stayed for about 45 minutes. On our way back to the ship we stopped in one of those duty free shops and then left ten minutes later with eight bottles of good liquor (Crown, Jack, Absolute, Bacardi) and five cartons of cigarettes and only spent $130. The prices were way too good to pass up. Of course at the time we weren’t aware of the US Customs rule that you could only bring back into the States, one liter of alcohol and one carton of cigs per person. More about that later….

When we got back on the ship we changed into our suits and headed back out to the pool. We laid there in the sun for a couple hours, drank several mango margaritas, and worked on our tans. Odd side note; we were laying in lounge chairs next to a guy and his wife. The guy looked vaguely familiar and I assumed he was an employee of the customer hosting the cruise. The wife got up at one point to go somewhere and soon I also got up to go to the bar. While I was at the bar, waiting to be served (sometimes would it take up to 20 minutes) I noticed Susan and the guy engaged in a conversation. From where I stood I couldn’t tell what was being said, but I could tell they were having a good time laughing and talking. When I returned she introduced me to him and it turned out we went to high school together back in the late 80’s. We talked for a good while and he caught me up on the happenings of many of our mutual friends.

After a while, with Susan feeling pretty buzzed, I was able to convince her to go with me to the topless deck. There were probably ten or twelve chicks there topless and probably half of them should have kept their tops on. Susan bravely freed the puppies after a few minutes, but only briefly. We finished out drinks, she pulled the top back up on her suit and we went to our room to shower. That evening we again went to dinner and met more folks, then hit the sack early.

Sunday, May 22nd

Our last day at sea was pretty much like the others. We spent the day eating, sunning, swimming and drinking. In the evening there was a farewell cocktail party again before dinner. After dinner we retired to our cabin, watched the Desperate Housewives season finale, had wild sex then went to sleep.

Monday, May 23rd

The alarm went off at 6:30am and when we looked out our window we could see the familiar scene of Mobile once more. I went down to the purser’s desk and settled up our tab. All the booze and souvenirs we had purchased while on board came to $470, after the $100 credit. Not as bad as we had thought. We went up for breakfast, and then settled in with everyone else to await our deck to be called for disembarkment. This is where the worry began to settle in. If you will remember, the purchases we made in Cozumel far outweighed the allotment set forth by the government. Some of the stuff we had packed away in our suitcases. Some we had in shopping bags we were carrying off ourselves. I decided to fill out the customs card honestly. With my luck if I were going to try and fool customs by claiming I only had what was allowed, I would probably be the one who was searched upon reentry. Luckily we strolled right up to the customs officer, showed her our ids, handed her the customs card and strolled right through. Man, I was sweating it for nothing. Besides, all that would have happened is we would have had to pay the duty on the extra purchases.

We drove back home and I immediately began doing laundry. At five o’clock that afternoon I headed to the airport for a flight to Nashville, Tennessee. We had a regional meeting there on Tuesday and Wednesday. Wednesday evening I flew back home and the rest, as they say, is history.

I have created a cruise picture album in my gallery. You can click here and see just a few of the many pics Susan and I took. All in all it was a very nice time. I would have liked to have done more that was offered; such as the Broadway style shows, the stand up comedians, the various contests and talent shows and of course the casino. Had we had to actually pay for the trip I would have been damned sure to get my money’s worth. Since it was free we didn’t feel the pressure to “do it all”. Regardless, it was a relaxing experience and a much needed time away for the wife and I.

I am home.
Finally.
I am very glad.

What a week this has been, I am literally exhausted. First I want to thank all of you folks for your comments, emails and well wishes on the trip and Susan took. I really appreciate each and every one! I hope you will all accept this blanket thank you as my response, as well as accept my apologies for being too tired (lazy) to get back to you individually.

The cruise was fabulous and very relaxing. We docked on Monday morning then had to drive home from Mobile. After arriving home from the four hour drive, I had to do a couple loads of laundry then hurry to catch a flight to Nashville for a two day meeting. I have just now literally walked in the door from the airport and my return flight. I am very happy to be home. I am also very happy to see my kids. It’s been seven days and I missed them terribly. We are having a pizza/American Idol party tonight together. I only hope I can stay awake till the end!

I have a ton of work to catch up on tomorrow since I have been out of the office now for eight days, so it may be Friday till I can catch you all up on the exciting cruise. I promise I will, and may even post a few pictures as well. Maybe even the ones from the “topless deck” on board! So y’all hang with me and I promise to get back to a regular posting schedule very soon.

Thanks!!

I am about to admit something here that is rather embarrassing for me. Although I am close to it, I am not completely perfect. I am sure that has burst many of your bubbles! Okay, so you ready for this?

First let me set the stage…remember the awesome movie Glory? Remember the scene where Denzel Washington is being lashed with a whip for having deserted camp? Remember how, as he is getting whipped, the camera moves in for a close up of his face? He would flinch with each unseen lash of the whip, but he kept his resolve. He never spoke or cried out. All you could hear was the sound of the whip making contact with his bare flesh. Finally, after many hits, one tear breaks from his eye and rolls down his face. A very moving scene and an excellent performance. He won an Oscar for it after all. Well my performance today over shadowed his by a long shot.

Today at 9:30 am I went on an appointment Susan had made for me at a spa in town. I was scheduled to have a waxing. No, I was not getting ready for Speedo season and getting the bikini area waxed. It is something far worse…

In the past year or so I have noticed the unthinkable, something disgusting, and something I used to always make fun of when I would notice it on men in public. I have developed some hair on my shoulders, and a little in the middle of my back. I am sure you are rushing to the toilet to vomit now, go ahead I’ll wait for you. Okay, it’s not a lot. It is barely noticeable, but I know it’s there, and so does Susan. She claims it doesn’t bother her at all. She even joked back in January that she liked it because the extra fir would keep her warm in bed. Ain’t she funny? Anyway, I didn’t want to be sitting around the pool this week and be constantly worried that someone might be staring. So I went ahead and had it done. MY GOD how it hurt! It hurt like hell. It only took about 10 minutes since there wasn’t much to start with, but still…..WOW! Every time the cute, Haley Berry looking girl would pull off those strips I would flinch like Denzel. But, I didn’t cry out and I didn’t complain. There is a price to beauty, right? I don’t see how women can get it down to their crotches….damn.

Well, in other news I will be on the ocean this time tomorrow. Tomorrow is the big day where Susan and I leave for our cruise. I will not be able to check the internet till next Wednesday night. I don’t think I have ever been away from you all that long. It will be hard. Nah, who am I kidding? I’ll be on a cruise for craps sake! Soaking up the sun, drinking fruity drinks, eating good food, watching interesting entertainment, and having (hopefully) lots of mind blowing sex. I have ordered some special toys from this website. If you all are good, I may tell you what I got when I get back. So in my Cartman voice I say, “Screw you guys, I’m going to Cozumel.”

Cozumel, here I come!!

One last thing, I got me a new phone yesterday. It’s pretty snazzy. Digital camera and video with zoom, bluetooth, Star Wars ring tones, and so much more. I think I will be having some fun with that baby. I foresee many pictures of random chicks walking around at the mall or, better yet, at the pool! Hmmm, didn’t think about that one….It also has Internet capabilities. Last night after American Idol (wasn’t Bo the bomb?) I used it to log onto Yahoo Messenger. I stayed on for less than a minute, probably more like 10 seconds, then turned the phone off and plugged it in to charge. Duh, I didn’t know I had to log off of Yahoo. I thought it ended when I turned the phone off. When I finally logged onto Messenger here at the computer I had like 20 offline messages from many of you. Sorry about that folks!

Y’all take care and have a nice week! I will talk to you all again when I get back from my luxurious vacation! Whoooo Hooo!!

Well folks I have just come off one hell of a past four days. There has been a lot of fun had by all, so I figured I should catch you all up on The Chuckster. Before I begin I want to say how proud I am of my beautiful sister. She graduated from The University of Tennessee on Saturday the seventh and is now all grown up! I thought I would add a picture of her in one of my albums so you can take a glimpse of the good genes that run in my family. Ain’t she the prettiest thing?

Those of you who have been reading me from back in the day will remember that I used to be somewhat liberal with the details of my sex life. It’s not that my openness in this matter has changed; it’s just that the level of sex has. Where we once were three to four time a week lovers, we are now lucky to squeeze it in once. It’s not my or her fought, per say, it’s just that things have changed. Work is always stressful for both of us, anti depressant meds don’t help much either. When we do take the time to “knock boots” it is usually, 9 times out of 10, pretty much a “wham bam thank you Chuck” kind of experience. Well, this past Thursday night was not the norm. Susan instigated and treated me to a very pleasant experience. I am talking hot kissing, good blow job and her on top. Now to most of you this probably doesn’t sound like anything unusual, but for me it is. Sex with Susan usually consists of me hurrying up and getting erect, and then pounding her hard for ten minutes or so till she has an orgasm. Then, if I am lucky and able to, I pull out and bathe her stomach and tits with my nut gravy (remember that one?) I then go grab a towel, clean her up and toss it into the hamper. Tis sad I know, but true. Routine and stress got the best of us and we both somehow learned to settle for what we could get. Well, saying that Thursday night’s fun was routine would be a terrible error. It was very nice!

On Friday morning my daughter and I went to the local Wal*Mart store to see our hero from American Idol, Bo Bice. Because this was a once in a lifetime experience, I kept her home from school. Bo was scheduled to be there at 10:30 a.m. to sign autographs so we arrived at 9 to get in line. I was not expecting to see the circus that was taking place. The area they had roped off for him to sit was right up front near the snack bar. The line of people started there and went all the way around the store. We walked around to the end and found ourselves back in the linen department with probably 500 people ahead of us. Eventually the line wrapped around the store twice and I estimated there were at least 2500 people there. It was a mad house. People with signs, people screaming, dudes wearing long haired wigs and other’s carrying their guitars. The lady in front of us had stayed up the night before to embroider a “Go Bo GO” apron to give him as a gift. When Bo finally arrived the place erupted with cheers. By 11:30 they announced that he would be leaving in five minutes. At that point there were probably 100 people still ahead of us in line and many, many more behind where we stood. People began to chant, “Don’t go Bo, don’t go Bo” over and over again. I began to worry that there might be a crushing rush towards where he was sitting. But being the stand up guy he is, he got on the intercom and spoke to everyone. I couldn’t catch much of what he was saying, the cheers were way too loud, but I did recognize the lyrics of “Sweet Home Alabama”, thanks to others singing along with him. I took my camera and made some pictures. Most of them are pretty blurry, but you can tell who it is. The two that are clear were taken by some chick that saw me trying to get close and offered to slip up there and take them for me. I had a sudden fear that this was just a ploy on her part to steal my new camera, but luckily she gave it back. So, when it was all said and done, I spent slightly over two hours and didn’t get his damn autograph. Oh well, maybe once the show is over and he is back here at home, I might run into him down at the super market. Yeah, right!

Friday evening I cut the grass while Susan did some flower planting. The yard is shaping up pretty well now that she has gotten all into picking out plants and such. Unfortunately she plants crap then decides two weeks later she doesn’t like what she chose so she digs it up and buys something else. It burns my ass when she does that seeing as it is a big waste of money. Oh well, you know how women are.

On Saturday my sister came down for a visit and that evening we went out to our favorite Mexican restaurant, Superior Grill. There we met up with a young single friend of Susan’s. My sister has recently broken up with her boyfriend of two years and is dating again after a long while. The four of us had a blast and stayed there for two hours drinking and talking about all kinds of stuff. With a buzz on my sis asked me when I first had sex, so we all ended up sharing our first time stories. I have to admit that I was a little freaked out knowing she wasn’t the virginal angel I assumed she was!  After dinner we drove back here to the house and watched movies till late.

Sunday morning I was stirred from sleep by Susan rubbing my chest and stomach. As far as I know this was the first time she has ever done this. When her hand wandered down and inside my boxer shorts, I knew that it was on. Morning sex is rare with us because it usually takes me forever to finish. This time we enjoyed it and she came several times with her legs up over my shoulders and me pounding away.

That evening we had a good old fashioned cook out and invited the guy from the night before back over. The kids were home from staying with their Mother and we all had a good time watching Elf after dinner. Once the kids were in bed the four of us watched old episodes of South Park till midnight.

My sister left for home about an hour ago and I must say I enjoyed her visit immensely. Liz, if you’re reading this, I love you and want you to hurry back down again soon. Yeah, in my drunkenness, I did show her this blog as well as several others. Maybe she won’t remember the web address. It might be best that she doesn’t. I am not sure she can handle reading all the many pages of TMI about her big brother.

On a more serious note, one of our good friends is having surgery today. We have all seen countless comments from Rosie on many of our blogs and she needs all our good thoughts and prayers. She will be in the hospital for a week, I believe, and the comment sections of our blogs won’t be the same with out her. Rosie, here’s to a speedy recovery! Drop her an email if you can, and send your well wishes as well to rosiegrrl@gmail.com.

In my last post in the Divorce Chronicle series I described the first meeting of Susan and I. Hopefully you were able to see how very happy we both were to finally meet one another. Again allow me to mention that if you are a first time visitor and wish to read the previous seven entries in this series, you can go to the upper left hand side of the page and click on the link.

I returned home to Alabama to find things were pretty much status quo at home. My soon to be ex wife, FA, was still spending much of her time away from the house. She would be gone all day working out, or visiting with her lawyer or her P.I. boyfriend Gabe. In the evenings she would go out and leave me and the kids here alone. Once the children were in bed I would spend much of my time alone, in my office/bedroom, talking with Susan on the phone or computer, or just reading. I read many books during this time and discovered some favorite new authors.

I also continued to tape the conversations FA and I would have either those we would have in person or those over the phone. It was during one of those face to face talks that I suddenly realized I could possibly have the ability to kill her. We were having some kind of argument; I can’t now remember what it was over, when she dropped a bombshell on me.

We had known a couple in a previous town we had lived in, and the four of us had become good friends. The wife in the couple was actually a college friend of FA and mine. We all had gone to church together and our kids were right about the same age. During the above mentioned argument FA informed me that she had given these folks, as well as her family, the impression I was dabbling in homosexuality. This immediately rocked my world. What made it worse was when she told me that our couple friends had suggested that if I was that perverse it may be possible that I could sexually abuse my kids as well. That had me fuming. FA of course laughed it off, saying she knew it certainly wasn’t the case, and that made me madder. Here she was slandering me to everyone I knew. Luckily she never, to my knowledge, told our other mutual friend, Bo Snagley, any of these tall tales. As time went by I decided that I really didn’t care what these people thought. I knew the truth, so what did I care what they were thinking.

There were many more instances like this with her. Over the next weeks I kept track of everything that happened. I kept a journal of when she would be gone and when she would return. I listed the ways she would neglect the kids, and I taped as many conversations as I could where she would describe to me the wild happenings of her life. As I have mentioned in other posts, I felt I would need all the ammunition I could get. I thought this was going to be a battle in court, and I wanted to do everything possible to keep my kids. Plus I still didn’t know what all she and the investigation service might have on me. They had yet to return my computer to me. All this extra work would prove to be in vain though. Some things occurred on a March evening, not too long after St. Patrick’s Day, that would change the future for all of us.

During the weeks after I first learned I was heading to divorce I developed no desire to eat. Going on a strictly zero carb diet I had quickly dropped thirty pounds and two pants sizes. It had also become habit for me to take two mile walks in the evenings. On occasion my daughter would join me and we would both get exercise while talking about events, school, etc. It was on one of these evenings when life took an abrupt change.

My habit of always locking the dead bolt to my office door began to get FA worried. Some how she was convinced I was keeping things hidden in my office files, or company computer, which could be used as evidence against her in the divorce. Of course she was exactly right in her assumptions, but she didn’t know that for certain. On March 20th I left the house to go on a walk with my daughter and locked my door as usual. When we returned forty-five minutes later FA was standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes. When I came into the kitchen she offered me a cup sitting on the counter saying it was the last of the sugar free kool aide. She told me she had wanted to wash the pitcher and didn’t know if I would want the remaining drink. I thanked her and took the drink and went in the living room to watch Sponge Bob with the kids. Sitting there on the couch next to my daughter I contemplated offering the drink to her, thinking I might rather have ice water instead. Thank God I never did.

Thirty minutes later I got up from the couch to go pee and I instantly knew something wasn’t right. I was dizzy and light headed. I could barely walk. Something definitely was wrong. I made it to the hall bathroom and managed to close the door, lock it, and sit down fully clothed on the toilet. As I sat there trying to think through the haze my cell phone rang. I always kept it attached to my belt because I didn’t want FA to be able to look through it at the numbers I had saved. I answered the phone and it was my Dad calling as usual to check in. I told him how I was feeling and he immediately told me to call an ambulance. He said he thought I might be having a stroke. I told him I would see how things go and let him know.

I somehow managed to leave the bathroom and make my way to the master bedroom. FA was there in the bathroom doing something at the mirror and I collapsed backwards across the bed. She looked out at me laying there and said,

“What the hell is wrong with you?”
“I don’t know…I feel weird, sick.”

Suddenly she got a worried look on her face and practically shouted,

“Get in here right now and make yourself throw up!”

I told her I didn’t feel nauseous sick, only weird, like I was high or drunk or something. I asked her to help me up from the bed and she refused saying,

“I’m not touching you! Come on, get up and come throw up.”

I struggled to roll myself over on my hands and slid my body off the bed and onto the floor. Using the television for leverage I pulled myself up on my wobbly feet. It then occurred to me that I should probably call 911. I removed my phone from my belt, and as I walked like a man who has had way too much to drink, I dialed the phone. She was right behind me.

“Who are you calling? Give me that phone!” She yelled.
With slurred words I said, “Calling…911…think I am dying.”
“NO! I will do it. Give me the fucking phone!”

She wrestled with me all the way through the living room. She pounded on my back with her fists as we made our way to the foyer. As I ascended the stairs, hanging onto the banister, she continued yelling and telling me to stop. Using the banister as support, practically hanging over it, I got to the fourth or fifth step, and then she took action. She reached up and grabbed me by the back of my shirt pulling me over and I fell, face down, onto the hardwood floor of the foyer. That was the last thing I remembered until I woke up with a paramedic over me.

Somehow I had made it to the kitchen and was sitting at the table. The house was full of police, firemen and paramedics. Evidently my call to 911 had gone through and, hearing the struggle, the operator had sent out help. Isn’t caller ID a wonderful thing? FA was sitting on the sofa being interviewed by a cop. I heard her telling someone she didn’t know what was wrong with me, but she assumed I was drunk. Another cop told me I could consider pressing charges later, and they whisked me away in an ambulance. The next thing I remember I woke up in a bed in the ER.

Once the flog cleared I managed to call my Dad and told him what had happened. He was in Atlanta on business and informed me he was on his way and would be there in four hours. By one in the morning I was feeling much better and begged the attending doctor to let me leave. I was frantic with worry about my kids. I remembered looking up, right before I passed out on the foyer floor, and seeing my daughter watching and crying. If FA could do whatever it was she had done to me, there was no telling what she might do to the kids. Some how my Father had managed to call Snagley and good old Bo drove down, in the middle of the night, to pick me up.

When he and I got back to my house FA was sitting in her car in the drive way. I walked over to the driver side window and she began to apologize. I interrupted her and asked where the kids were.

“They are asleep up stairs. Chuck, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was scared. I wanted you to pass out into a deep sleep so I could get your keys and get into your office. I never meant for this to get carried away so bad.” She went on to explain what she had done to me, and how she had carried it out.

“Where are you going?” I asked, not listening to her ramble on.
“To visit my sister in Georgia. I am not sure when I will be back.”
“Well, I can’t deal with this now. We’ll talk later.”

I turned and left her sitting there, engine idling, and went inside with Snag.

It turned out that she had taken at least four pills of the very strong prescription drug Ambien and crushed them up then mixed them in my kool-aide. What she didn’t consider was that I had barely eaten in days and had just come in from vigorous exercise. All this set the stage for me to have a terrible reaction from the over dose. Had I given the drink to my daughter, like I considered, the dosage may have killed her. I was a 6′5″, 250 pound man. Obviously she is much smaller. My Dad arrived an hour later and he, Snag and I sat discussing all that had happened into the wee hours of the morning.

The next day I called Susan and told her what had happened. She was obviously shocked. We both knew FA was crazy, but we never imagined she would do something this dumb. She told me that she had had a feeling that something may have happened since I never called her the night before. I told her I would be in touch then Dad and I headed to the police station.

The lieutenant at our small, local P.D. told me that I did indeed have a case against my wife. He said it could be considered attempted murder, or at the least assault, and that he would present it to the grand jury for their decision. He gave me a week to try to use it all to my advantage, (ending the divorce) then he would have no choice but to release it to the grand jury. We left there and headed back to the house. My daughter was at school and my son was with us. I put the boy down for a nap and called FA.

At some point in the hours that had passed since our drive way conversation FA had changed. She was no longer humble and seeking forgiveness. She told me that her attorney had assured her that what she had done wasn’t that serious. Having already talked with my lawyer, as well as the police, I knew she was wrong and I told her so. She scoffed and told me that she wasn’t worried, and then I laid it all out for her. I said,

“FA you have two choices. You can fire your attorney and the two of us work up an agreement for this divorce together, or you can attend our first hearing on April fourteenth wearing an orange Shelby County Corrections jump suit. It’s your call.”

“That will never happen. I didn’t try to kill you, I only gave you one pill, and there is nothing they can do to me. If there were, they would have arrested me last night.”

“FA there was five Ambien pill in the bottle, the last time I checked, and there is only one there this morning. Once pill wouldn’t cause the kind of reaction I had.”

“Oh bull, you were faking it. Everybody could tell. After you left in the ambulance the lady across the street was laughing about how you didn’t look sick at all.”

“Whatever. Listen closely to me now. You have five days to make up your mind. Either you do as I suggest or it ain’t gonna be easy for you.”

As soon as I got the last word out she hung up on me.

Two days later she returned home. I refused to let her enter and she called the cops on me. When the officer arrived, one of the ones who had been there the night it all happened, he informed me that she was legally allowed to enter the house. Without any papers or legal judgments I could not refuse her. Oh well, I had to try.

Later that day I again instigated the conversation about the easy way to end the divorce. She again refused to listen, but I kept talking…making sure she at least heard everything again. She informed me that she was not going to fire her attorney, and that she was convinced what she had done wasn’t such a big deal. She felt certain that the divorce would still go her way. She then said she was going to CVS and would be back later. I just shrugged and walked out of the room.

Fifteen minutes later my cell rings. It was her. I answered and could hear the sound of a train in the back ground.

“I have been stuck here by these damn trains for ten minutes now and I have been thinking.” She said. “I guess we can do it the way you suggested, but I want to help write up the divorce agreement.”

I tried to keep myself from laughing and replied, “Okay, we’ll sit down and work on it as soon as you get back.”

A little over a week later, on April 2, 2003, the judge signed the papers and I was officially a single man. What could have been a wicked divorce battle turned out to be not so bad. Thanks to stupid steps by FA it ended very quickly. She had originally filed the papers on February 20th, and it was all over forty two days later. Pretty damn quick for a divorce. That night I took the kids to dinner and she went out and ended up having her first bi sexual experience, but that is a story for another day.

There is still more to tell in my divorce story so I reckon there will be another entry or two. I have yet to relate to you Susan and my first time having sex. Boy howdy, that is one exciting story, I tell you what! Then of course there is Bo’s alligator story. I have to tell that one so he will stop pestering me about it. So until next time I leave you with the words you have become used to reading;

To be continued….

Sorry folks, again not much to read here. Many things have conspired against me so far this week to take my focus far away from the blogisphere and onto much more important things like making a living. Hopefully I will be able to get back to a more regular and much more interesting posting schedule soon.

I have decided to delve into the world of erotic fiction and have consequently submitted my writings to my good friend Queen of Pink to post on her alter ego blog, Just Pink Me. You can click here to read my first submission in an on going story of “nanny love!” Y’all already know how I love me a hot sexy nanny! If you choose to read be aware that it is all purely fiction. Although there are no pictures involved you should know that it is NOT WORK FRIENDLY. The first installment doesn’t get too graphic, but the second one will. Tune in sometime around Thursday to read part two.

That’s it for now. Again, sorry for another boring post

Well, I am finally home and very happy to be back. It felt like I was gone forever, not just five days. Next week we head out for a cruise then I am off to Nashville for a regional meeting. I won’t be home for seven days then, but at least part of the time will be filled with R&R. I sure hope everyone has been doing well. I haven’t been able yet to catch up with the many blogs I read, but hopefully I will be able to do so soon.

My trip to Florida last week was productive. I was able to secure the chance for some big new business as well as enjoy some hearty night life on the coast. I ate some tasty seafood, drank a lot of alcohol and met some nice folks. All in all it was a good time. I returned home on Friday evening and immediately had to load a U-Haul truck with furniture to take to my parent’s home in Tennessee. The truck was a piece of crap and I was very glad to get the four hour drive over. Susan followed in the car with the kids and we arrived in time to prepare for my sister’s college graduation party. The party was a blast. At one point there were probably thirty people there, all friends of my sister and parents. I helped Dad grill the burgers and hot dogs by the pool and enjoyed watching all the young 20 something’s strut around the place.

We got home yesterday afternoon and I dropped the kids off so they could be with their Mother on Mother’s Day. Susan and I then came home and crashed for a two hour nap. When we woke up I went to pick the dog up from the vet where he was being boarded, then we made a nice dinner and watched some TV before hitting the sack once more. Oh yeah, we did have a nice quickie in the kitchen with her on the counter, but you all don’t want her hear about that so I will hush.

Today has been spent trying to catch up on work. It’s nice to have a week where I don’t have to go anywhere. The ex is out of school this week so she plans on having the kids the whole time. Susan and I have some events planned for a few evenings this week, then this weekend we will be going to the Crawfish Boil and seeing Hootie and the Blowfish perform Friday night. I am looking forward to that. Not the crawfish mind you, they are not something I particularly like, but the concert should be fun…and of course the beer will be nice!

Okay, that is about it for now. Hopefully I will have something of more interest to post about in the next day or two. If not, then you may have to put up with another “divorce” story. Either way I will be in touch. Y’all have a good week.

Ladies and Gents, I am back home from Florida. I am tired and worn out, and my feet hurt! My business down there went extremely well, and I did a good amount of partying in the evenings. This is just a brief update to let you know that I am alive and well and getting ready to go out of town once again tomorrow. I will try to put forth a regular post on Sunday evening and catch you all up on the excitement of the past week.

Many of you have left comments and sent e-mails. I appreciate it and will get back to you all soon. Right now I am worn out, having loaded a 14′ U-Haul truck full of crap I am driving to Tennessee in the morning, and want to go have sex with my wife then go to bed. I hope you all are doing well.

Later…

I am a big fan of the show on ABC called Super Nanny. I also watch the similar series called Nanny 911 on FOX, but it just doesn’t do it for me like Super Nanny does. Tonight we watched both shows and it finally occured to me why I like the ABC show better. It has everything to do with the Nanny herself, Jo Frost….

Ain’t she beautiful? I don’t know, there is just something about her. Maybe it’s her accent…I love when she says to the unruly kids in her British accent, “Come now, we must go sit on the naughty step“, that does it for me.

Maybe it is the way she knows how to reign in the kids as well as train the parents. Maybe it is the look she gets in her eyes when she is shocked at the behavior of the children and adults. It could be the way her bosom strains against the buttons of her blouse, or the arch of her eyebrow…I am not sure what it is, but I think I could be in love. All I know is this nanny chick is one HOT Brit!

I find myself wanting to convince my son to be a brat just so I can have us audition for the show and get her to spend a few days here in my house. I think I would have to find every way possible to try to seduce her if she were to visit. I hear she has a thing for Christmas boxer shorts! She is certainly not a glamour queen, but she definitely knows how to work it.

Jo, if you are reading this, you should know you have a big fan in Alabama. Come on down here and teach me a thing or two. I have been a very naughty boy!!

What a weekend this has been! We had a kick ass storm here early Saturday morning. Major damage, but more on that later. Friday night Susan, the kids and I hung out doing not much of anything. Although there was not much to write home about, one thing was certain…my left heel was hurting like a mofo. I stayed up in bed till 3am watching the biography of Simon Cowel, Paula Abdul and that Army guy from Ft. Campbell, Ky who was murdered in his sleep because he was thought to be a homosexual. While I was watching TV I took this picture. Sure I know I shouldn’t be wearing X-Mas boxer shorts in April, but they were only $1.99 at Old Navy.

We were awoken at 5am by my daughter and son telling us that the lights had gone out and there could be a tornado heading our way. I had been asleep about two hours at this point and was not too happy to be jerked from a solid sleep! But we all checked out the situation…found that the electricity was indeed out and I encouraged everyone to go back to bed. If there was a tornado coming we would surely hear the warning siren. Turns out there was, but it was a class zero.

There wasn’t much hope for any solid sleep after that. Around eight o’clock Susan got up and went to McDonald’s to get some breakfast for everyone since we still had no power and I laid in bed for another hour till I too gave up and got my butt up. Once we had eaten I went outside to survey the damage. Susan had mentioned she had seen a lot of damage as she drove out of the neighborhood.

We only had some limbs down in our yard, but many others in the neighborhood we not as lucky. The kids and I got in the car and drove around a little to see. It was weird, in about every other yard there were trees down, some very large. We saw one house where a backyard metal outbuilding was now twisted and sitting in the front yard. People were out cleaning debris everywhere and many others were out walking or driving around seeing the distruction like us. In a way it reminded me of how people will drive slowing through the streets on December nights, looking at Christmas lights. I took some pictures of course and have them in my “random pics” photo album in my gallery. You can click here to see the first photo, then click the arrow at the top right of that one to see the others.

We worked around the house for a while and I was able to get all the down branches dragged to the road for pick up. By one in the afternoon we were still without electricity, so we decided we would take a drive and join the YMCA. April 30th was the last day you could join without any sign up fee, so we wanted to get in on the special before it was too late. After that we drove to visit the new home of one of Susan’s work colleagues. This lady, Tonya, is a single mother with three kids and this was the first home she had ever purchased. Tonya knows nothing about painting and had asked if folks would swing by and give her a hand. Some how I found myself offering to strip the wall paper in her kitchen and then paint. Don’t know what came over me, but that is where I will be all day tomorrow…doing something I hate. Ain’t I a nice guy? lol

Later that afternoon we all went to our favorite Mexican restaurant and had dinner and frozen margarita’s. Well, Susan and I had margs, the kids had diet coke! When we got home we were happy to find the power back on. Based on the blinking time on the digital clocks we were without electricity for ten and a half hours. Luckily nothing in our freezers had time enough to thaw out and ruin.

Yesterday was spent relaxing and having good family time. The kids and I played PS2 games and watched Star Wars Episode One for the millionth time. In the evening I grilled out steaks and we had a nice dinner while watching Extreme Home Makeover on television.

I will be gone much of this week, just so you know. Wednesday morning I have to leave for work in Destin, Florida. Not sure if I will be able to write from there. I return home Friday night, then we leave early Saturday morning for Tennessee. My sister is graduating from UT, so we will be there for the graduation and her party that evening. I hope I don’t have too much blogging withdrawal!

Hope you all have a nice and productive week!
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