What’s “Up Chuck”?

… in this week! How about the past five days for some good ole blog entertainment. My friends have made great use of my little corner of cyber space in my absence and I almost dread having to get back to posting my boring drivel again. The bar has been raised here at Marriage Made On-Line and I doubt I can reach up that far.

I would like to thank Sparkey, Buddha Bubba, One Single Mom, Stuck For Now, and The Good Husband for creating such humorous, interesting and true works of art. OSM’s mention of my impressive manhood, Sparkey’s story of my adventures with strangers, Bubba’s ode to my third favorite ejaculative receptacle and Stucks nice words about us Southerners all had me feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. Now as for GH’s observations….it feels so liberating to have the truth be known. I owe him a debt too high to pay for revealing what I have for so long wanted to say!

Seriously though guys, thanks for your attention to my blog. I never imagined, when I put the call out, that I would have received such a quality response. I am not the only one who has noticed this either. Since Sunday I have had right at around 1010 visitors to my blog! That is pretty good when you consider I usually only get around 50 to 75 hits a day!

Now, back to my week….

My Trip To California/Mexico

San Diego is a beautiful place, although I think I would get tired of all the sun and warm weather year round. We stayed in a beautiful resort out on the island and had an interesting and informative National Sales Meeting. I even was awarded for my sales performance at the Awards Dinner Tuesday night. I have the highest percentage over quota (over 117%) than anyone else in the field sales force. Got to walk up on stage, receive a nice plaque and check, all to the thunderous applause of my colleagues. Kind of makes a feller feel kind of good.

The highlight would have to have been Wednesday. After 1:00pm it was activity day. You could choose deep sea fishing, sailing, spa treatment or “day on your own”. I chose to tag along with about eight other guys for a trip to Tijuana. I had never been out of the country before and desperately wanted to be able to say that I have been somewhere outside the U.S. before I die. But my bubble was busted the next day when my friend from Oklahoma said, “Chuck you are not an international traveler when you can actually walk to the foreign country your visiting.”

Well, lets just say I am glad I went cause I have NO desire to visit that place again as long as I live. If I ever go to Mexico again it will be to some fancy resort in Cozumel or some place similar. I have had my fill of the touristy border towns and I have only been to one of them. I thought New Orleans was a hive of debauchery until I went to TJ.

With that being said, let me fill you in on all the fun I had! We were there for about 10 hours and we probably spent 9 of those hours in strip clubs. These strip clubs are unlike any I have ever been to in the U.S. First of all everything is negotiable. From the cost of the beer to the “services” offered by the young ladies. As you walked in and find a seat you are greeted by a sexy, half naked young lady who would say, in broken english, “Lapdance, two songs for $10, three songs for $15. Blow job for $20, sex for $50.” The whole time they would be stroking your crotch or putting your hands on their boobs. I was DISGUSTED, let me tell you! Had it not been for my perverted friends I would have left straight away. So, anyway….more than a $100 dollars later I was ready to call it a night. Me and the guys, there were only four of us left by this time, grabbed a cab back to the border and proceeded to walk to the customs place and back into America. About 100 yards from the good old U S of A one of my co-workers, G, decided he couldn’t wait to relieve his bladder and seeing that we were in a dark alley way he decided to do so next to a trash can. We were about 20 yards in front of him by the time we realized he wasn’t with us and we turned to see him talking to four people who looked to be in uniform. Sure enough it was the dreaded Mexican Police. As we walked back towards him I noticed him being grabbed and him trying to pull away. The next thing we knew they had him on the ground trying to get his hands twisted around to his back. One of them kept asking me, in broken english, “Senior pleeze say to friend to calm it.” I told G to take it easy, and that we would stay with him. They got him to his feet, hands tightly cuffed, and his jeans proceeded to fall down to his ankles. I guess all the scruffing loosened his belt. What really pissed me off was when the female “cop” began to laugh at him as he was standing there in his tighty whities. He asked for them to pull up his pants and all they managed to do was pull them up in front, partially, and walked him off with his ass exposed. I asked, and was given permission to pull them up the rest of the way for him. Hey, what are friends for?

They walked him to this little glass enclosed “office” place while they proceeded to act as if they were making calls and awaiting a car to come pick him up. I asked what would happen next and the one who spoke passable english informed us that he would be taken before a judge and the fine would be around $200. Then he would have to be held for 36 hours since he had “resisted arrest.” We were floored, not believing that this, what everyone had joked us would happen, was happening. After a few minutes the “officer” pulled aside the oldest one in our group B and had a conversation with him. Once they were done B came over to the other two of us and told us to walk with him across the street for a minute. Once there, he informed us that the officer said he would let G go if we gave him all the money we had. We were floored, but I guess in a way we expected it. We checked our fundage and found that between the three of us we had $80, keeping aside my last $30 for the cab ride back to the hotel. He walked back over to the cop and had a conversation. Three minutes later he returned and said the cop wanted more, but B had told him that was all we had. He didn’t know what was going to happen. With that we heard G walking towards us yelling, “The fuckers took my fifty dollar bill from my wallet.” We were like dude, shut up before they nab you again! After they had cuffed him earlier they had removed his wallet and at some point had taken the $50 bill but left the two singles he had. Nice folks, huh? Jeeze, they were the exact definition of “corrupt cops”! You hear the stories about the police south of the border but I never thought I would see it first hand. I tell you what, at $130 dollars that was the most expensive piss I have ever heard about! We laughed about it all the way in the cab back to the hotel. Man, what a night! Strippers, whores and crooked cops! Got to love Tijuana!

Yesterday, going through security at San Diego airport, I had to walk through this new security thingy. It is like the standard detectors in every airport but it had doors that closed in front of you and bursts of air shoot up from the floor over your body. Once it was done, the doors didn’t open and I heard the attendant holler for a supervisor. I was ushered out and over to the ex-ray belt and told to point out my property, but not touch any of it. Once this was done I was taken over to the side and told, by a small hispanic man, that he was going to be touching all over my body, including my “sensitive areas”, but he would use the back of his hand when he did so. I stood there and enjoyed being felt up (not) and once he was done I said, “What? I don’t get a kiss?” He didn’t appreciate the comment. After my property was searched and nothing was found I asked the supervisor what the deal was. He told me that I had tested positive for a substance used in making bombs by suicide bombers. I shook my head and said, “Well I have been depressed lately, but not that depressed.” He gave me a polite smile and thanked me for my time.

I flew out around 1:30 and landed safely in Birmingham at 9:07 last night. Glad to be home. Looking forward to relaxing this weekend and eating anything but Mexican food! Hope you all have a good weekend too….

Sorry for the long post.